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My purpose is to live for Christ alone.

13bForgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
- Philippians 3:13b-14 (NIV)

For beautiful the prize, and great our hope.

2015/11/26 19:50 Thursday

Was swamped at work today. All of us were stuck in the print room most of the day. I dislike working in the print room, but at least the time passed by quickly because we were busy.

Read Matthew 22. Am too tired to read more this evening. Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2015/11/25 19:00 Wednesday

Rode 29.56 miles of laps around the lake on the Sirrus. Didn't have time to do the usual not-quite 36 miles, as I was having lunch with Amy at noon and was running late. Also, I started out riding very slowly due to there being a dusting of snow on the ground that made me nervous. After a while, I started riding faster, at first because I got more confident, and then because the snow melted. It was cold out, but I was dressed warmly enough to be comfortable. According to my Garmin GPS, the low temperature was 24.8, and it stayed that temp for quite a while. The average temp was 27.8, which was skewed some because it took a while for it to register the lower temps. The max temp was 57.2, which is what it started out as. Also, I think the temps at Virginia Lake are lower than elsewhere; either that, or the Garmin isn't accurate.

Happy Thanksgiving in advance. I have to work tomorrow. Will be getting paid triple-time, though, so it is worth it for me not to have the holiday off. Regarding Christmas, the warehouse won't be working, so we in IT won't have to work. Also, that week would be a three-day week for me, but I will be taking Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas off, so I will have ten days off in a row.

Am on Chapter 22 of Matthew.

Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2015/11/24 19:45 Tuesday

Tried to ride today, but gave up after only 13.73 miles. Was riding laps around the lake on the Sirrus, but the wind was just too strong and gusty. When I got home, I checked the AccuWeather app, and it reported winds of 37 mph and gusts of 51 mph. I don't think it was that bad at the lake, but it was indeed bad.

Might have to have a tooth pulled and a dental implant done. The tooth on which I had the root canal retreated is still painful at times.

Am on Chapter 16 of Matthew.

Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2015/11/23 18:25 Monday

Had a good ride today. Best of all, I felt close to God while riding. For much of the ride, the song "Our God is an Awesome God" was running through my mind. Rode 35.76 miles of laps around the lake on the Sirrus. Averaged 14.7 mph despite getting stuck behind slow-moving traffic several times.

Am on Chapter 14 of Matthew. I want to go through the narrow gate, and to be wheat, not a tare. I want to go to heaven when I die.

Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2015/11/22 18:50 Sunday

Am on Chapter 11 of Matthew. However, I've just been reading, not really studying, so I will need to go back over what I have read to really digest it.

I recall that many years ago, the woman who at that time was the secretary of the church from which I am in exile told me that I spent too much time reading the Bible and not enough time worshiping. My response to her was that for me, reading the Bible is a form of worship. I need to get back to experiencing a sense of worship while reading the Bible.

Bought a new bike yesterday. It is a Specialized Sirrus, a hybrid with disc brakes. It will replace the hybrid bike I call my commuter bike. I will be selling it. After the church service, I did 35.87 miles of laps around the lake on the Sirrus. Averaged only 13.3 mph. Started out kind of slow, as I was getting used to the new bike. Picked up the pace after a while.

Too tired to continue writing this evening. Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2015/11/21 19:50 Saturday

My weekend is here, thankfully. Am utterly exhausted. Read Matthew 6, but as with the last two nights, I am too tired to focus. Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2015/11/20 20:00 Friday

There was a wreck on the 395 southbound this evening, and I got caught in the ensuing traffic jam. Thought I would never get home.

Read Matthew 5 one more time. Again tonight, though, I am so exhausted that concentrating is difficult. Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2015/11/19 20:55 Thursday

Read Matthew 5 again. Am so tired, though, that I was having trouble concentrating. Off to finish getting ready for bed before I drop.

2015/11/18 20:50 Wednesday

Finished the Sermon on the Mount. Need to read it again. Am too exhausted to have focused on it well. Off to finish getting ready for bed before I collapse.

2015/11/17 20:45 Tuesday

Matthew 5:22 states that one who calls someone a moron "shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell" (NASB95). I don't call anyone a moron to their face, but when driving, I call other drivers morons a lot. Guess I'd better stop doing that.

Matthew 5:23-24 speaks of reconciliation. My fear overrides that. I won't reach out.

Matthew 5:39 says not to resist an evil person. That is a hard teaching to follow, and so is v.44, which says, "love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (NASB95).

Rode to Costco to pick up the prescription for the steroid, which was a 4.84 mile round-trip. Then did 30.53 miles of laps around the lake on the commuter bike. Averaged only 13.1 mph. One thing I prayed about, as I have been doing lately, was to ask God to wash away not only the bitterness, but also the fear, pain, and guilt. I also continued to pray to have His power working in me and through me as a catalyst to bring about a miraculous transformation.

There was a cycling club meeting tonight that I went to, so I will be getting to bed later than I would like. I went to bed at about 7:30 last night, and woke up at about 6:30 this morning. After a while, though, I went back to bed for about an hour and a half.

Off to finish getting ready for bed before I drop. Tomorrow is a work day, so I won't be able to sleep late.

2015/11/16 18:45 Monday

Finished Deuteronomy. Decided to start reading in the New Testament also, rather than going all the way through the Old Testament first. Will read a book in the NT, then go back to the OT and read a book, and so forth. Have read the first four chapters in Matthew.

Am still having intermittent pain in the tooth that was retreated. The dentist has prescribed a steroid. He thinks the infection is gone, but that there is probably still some inflammation.

Rode 35.8 miles of laps around the lake on the commuter bike. Averaged only 12.8 mph. It was cold, but I had about the right amount of gear on, so I was comfortable. The Garmin was reading about 35 degrees for much of the ride, but it had dropped to about 31 by the time I finished.

Off to finish getting ready for bed. Have gotten to bed late the last two nights, and have been sleeping late because of that. That throws my schedule off. Hopefully, I will fall asleep soon after going to bed.

2015/11/15 21:15 Sunday

Dreamt again last night that I was back at the church from which I am in exile.

The lyrics of "At the Cross" have been running through my mind a lot lately.

Rode only 12.63 miles today. Rode through hail for a while, but stopped when the main part of the storm started blowing in. The snow wouldn't have stopped me, but there were wind gusts of 36 mph, and that was just too much for me. I should have waited it out, though, as the wind died down not long after I got home. I felt cheated.

Increased the dose of paroxetine from 5mg to 10mg today. The 5mg dose wasn't helping at all with the hot flashes or the chills. If the 10mg dose doesn't start helping within a month or so, I will go back on the HRT and just take my chances regarding the possibility of getting cancer.

Am up to Chapter 32 of Deuteronomy.

Today's sermon was another that really fed my soul. I am very thankful to be able to watch sermon webcasts.

It is late. Off to bed.

2015/11/14 20:50 Saturday

Thankfully, it is my weekend. Unfortunately, it is one of my three-day weekends, though, not a four-day one. Oh, well.

Am on Chapter 27 of Deuteronomy. I noticed that verse 22:5 states that it is an abomination for women to wear men's clothing and for men to wear women's clothing. Given that almost all of my clothing is men's clothing, I may be in trouble.

Am utterly exhausted again tonight. Off to finish getting ready for bed before I collapse.

2015/11/13 20:20 Friday

Two work days down, one to go. Am at Chapter 22 of Deuteronomy. Off to finish getting ready for bed. Am utterly exhausted.

2015/11/12 20:25 Thursday

Got to sleep late last night. Turned out the lights at about 7:15pm, but had trouble falling asleep. Then the fire department showed up because there was a smell of kerosene in a neighbor's apartment. Finally got to sleep at about 9 o'clock or so.

Am at Chapter 17 of Deuteronomy.

Am about to drop from exhaustion. Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2015/11/11 18:25 Wednesday

Deuteronomy 8:2 (NASB95):

2"You shall remember all the way which the Lord your God has led you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not."
That passage is poignant for me. It brings to mind what I went through during the time of my mental health problems and legal troubles.

Did 35.83 miles of laps around the park on the commuter bike. Averaged only 13 mph. Struggled, especially during the last several miles. Just tried to stay focused on matters of faith and to spend the time alone with God, and that helped. Prayerfully contemplated the pastor's most recent sermon exhortations, and also Psalms 51:10-12.

2015/11/10 21:05 Tuesday

Busy day. Had the gastroenterologist appointment in the morning, then did a ride, and then went to Costco. It might not seem like much, but for me, that is a full day. Sleeping as much as I have to doesn't leave much time in the day.

Am up to Deuteronomy Chapter 4. Some parts of that book and Numbers are tedious to me, and other parts are confusing.

During the ride today, it got down to almost 35 degrees according to my Garmin GPS. I didn't dress as warmly as I did yesterday. I was comfortable, though. Did 35.8 miles of laps around the lake on the commuter bike. Averaged a pitifully slow 12.6 mph. I wasn't concerned about the pace, though; all I wanted to do was to put in the miles and the time alone with God.

2015/11/09 18:30 Monday

Had the dental appointment this afternoon. It was for a root canal retreatment. I had a root canal done on that tooth by a dentist several years ago, but still had pain afterward. I then had it retreated by an endodontist, but still had pain. He then went in through the gum, but I still had pain. I went back more than once, but he kept insisting there was nothing wrong. However, I mentioned the intermittent pain to my current dentist at my last cleaning, and he said there could be infection that wasn't showing up on x-rays. Sure enough, when he retreated it today, he said two of the roots had infection. He got most of it out, and said hopefully my body and antibiotics will take care of the rest of it. I am hoping and praying that the low-grade infection has been causing the fatigue, and that the infection and fatigue will finally go away.

I will need to have a new crown put on the tooth, as parts of the existing crown broke off while he was taking the filling out. That procedure won't be started until two weeks from now, as he wants to make sure the pain in the tooth goes away before putting on a new crown.

Before the dental appointment, I did 35.82 miles of laps around the lake on the commuter bike. Misjudged the temperature and put on gear that was too warm, which resulted in my sweating and getting cold for part of the time. It was another slow day; averaged only 13.2 mph. The clouds were beautiful again today, and again, seeing their beauty resulted in my sensing God's hand upon me. That is so awesome.

Read a little in Numbers on my iPhone while waiting at the dentist's office. Will read more before turning out the lights.

Off to finish getting ready for bed, then will read.

2015/11/08 19:15 Sunday

It occurred to me after posting last night that instead of grumbling about the drudgery of doing laundry, I should be giving thanks for having so many clothes and for the modern convenience of laundry machines.

Read a little in the Bible last night, but not much. Couldn't hold my eyes open any longer. Finished up Numbers 16. This evening, I read up to chapter 24.

Did 35.85 miles of laps around the lake on the commuter bike. It didn't rain, so the newly-installed fender didn't get tested. That was fine with me. It was colder than the weather forecast had predicted. According to my Garmin GPS, it was about 50 degrees for much of the ride, and about 46 for the last several miles. It also got very windy not long after I started. My pace was decent until the wind came up. Averaged only 12.9 mph. The clouds were beautiful again while I was riding today, giving me a sense of God's hand on me. I can't give thanks enough for experiencing that.

I am truly blessed by being able to watch church service webcasts. I don't know what I would do without them.

Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2015/11/07 18:35 Saturday

Left work early today. Needed to do laundry, and will be pressed for time this "weekend." Did four loads, which was all I could get to the laundry room in one trip. Two loads were cycling gear. It really piles up when it is cold. Will do two more loads of clothes on Wednesday. Drudgery.

Also installed a front fender on the commuter bike this afternoon. Didn't install the rear one yet. It will likely be more complicated, as I will probably have to take off the rack temporarily. The rack acts a little like a fender, anyway.

Haven't done any Bible study yet today. Will read a few chapters before turning out the lights.

Am bushed. Off to get ready for bed before I get too tired to read any chapters. Actually, I'm already too tired, but am going to read anyway. It is good that I left work early, because if I hadn't, I would just now be getting home, and I am too tired to have been able to drive home safely.

2015/11/06 20:25 Friday

Read in Numbers during my lunch break. It put the fear of God in me and made me think I should stop grumbling about things.

One more work day, then I have four days off. Have a gastroenterologist's appointment on Monday, and then a dental appointment on Tuesday.

Off to finish getting ready for bed. It is late.

2015/11/05 19:35 Thursday

Read more in Numbers during my breaks at work. Verses 6:22-26 were refreshing. Am exhausted. Should shower this evening, but am just too tired. Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2015/11/04 20:10 Wednesday

Finished the last two chapters of Leviticus last night. Got up early this morning because I wasn't sure what the morning drive to Stead would be like. It wasn't bad at all, so I got to work early. Had time to read two chapters of Numbers before clocking in.

Am utterly exhausted. Need to finish getting ready for bed before I collapse.

2015/11/03 18:45 Tuesday

Slept 13 hours last night. Fortunately, the downstairs neighbor called and woke me up, otherwise I would have slept even longer. As it was, I didn't have time to do much. Wanted to do laundry after riding, but was too tired. Ate dinner, and then took a long, hot shower.

Read three chapters of Leviticus again today before riding. Parts of Leviticus are tedious for me. Will read at least one more chapter before turning out the lights this evening.

Did 35.81 miles of laps around the lake on the commuter bike. Averaged only 13.0 mph. As I have mentioned before, my pace is much slower in cold weather. It was about 38 degrees much of the time according to my Garmin GPS unit. That is better than yesterday, when it was about 30 and wet most of the time. Thought about stopping at 30 or so miles today, as I was becoming too brain-dead to focus on spending time alone with God. Decided to keep going, though. I prayed a little more, and at times just let the lyrics to "Praise Adonai" run through my mind. I don't like music much, so I never listen to it other than during the church service webcast, but I remembered those lyrics.

Am fading. Off to finish getting ready for bed, and then will read a little more in Leviticus just before hitting the sack.

2015/11/02 20:30 Monday

The sermon listening guide for yesterday's sermon has not been posted, but the pastor noted while preaching that in the application section one item was discerning the will of God for one's life and surrendering to it. I trust God, despite being afraid of what He might ask of me, but I don't trust myself to be able to discern His will for my life.

Read three chapters of Leviticus this morning before riding. Verses 20:7-8 are inspiring:

Leviticus 20:7-8 (NASB95):

7You shall consecrate yourselves therefore and be holy, for I am the Lord your God.
8You shall keep My statutes and practice them; I am the Lord who sanctifies you.
Rode only 20 miles of laps around the park on the commuter bike today. It was drizzling rain at times, and snowing lightly at other times. It was cold, but I was dressed for the weather. Made a mistake, though. I thought the cycling boots I have were water-resistant, but they aren't. If I had known that, I would have worn shoe covers. My feet ended up being soaked. By about 15 miles, my toes were starting to get cold, but thankfully they never got all that cold. Stopping at 20 miles was a good decision. Averaged only 12.3 mph. The commuter bike has caliper brakes, which don't work all that well in inclement weather. Need a commuter bike with disc brakes.

Ran some errands after the ride, and then went to the monthly cycling club board meeting.

Off to finish getting ready for bed. Am bushed.

2015/11/01 19:35 Sunday

Was blessed by today's church service. It struck chords in my soul. I would do well to review my notes on it frequently.

Regarding my not wanting to attend any church because I don't want to deal with those who would attempt to make me fit the mold of a Christian female, I wonder... Is the typical Christian female really conformed to the likeness of Christ?

Regarding my losing all sense of the presence of God when around people, it seems I need to take baby steps, one at a time. It seems a place to start would be to attempt to be cognizant at all times that I am a Christian.

After the church service, I did 35.78 miles of laps around the lake on the commuter bike. Was slow again today; the average was only 13.2 mph. At least I put in the miles and the time alone with God. Contemplated the sermon quite a bit of the time.

Read Chapter 19 of Leviticus this evening. That is where I left off in my most recent reading of the Bible from start to finish. Got bogged down in Leviticus a while ago, and had not resumed reading.

Am exhausted. Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2015/10/31 19:40 Saturday

Made it through the work week. Am very thankful that it was a three-day week instead of a four-day one. Am so exhausted that I don't think I could work another day. Off to finish getting ready for bed before I collapse.

2015/10/30 20:20 Friday

Two days down, one to go. Off to bed.

2015/10/29 19:55 Thursday

Had a frustrating day at work. Am glad it's over. One day down, two to go.

Went by my sister's house after work to pick up the sandbags for my truck bed. She stores them for me in her garage when I don't need them.

Am exhausted. Off to finish getting ready for bed before I drop.

2015/10/28 18:15 Wednesday

Psalm 51:10-12 (NASB95):

10Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
12Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit.
It is easy to draw close to God when reading such passages in the solitary confines of my apartment, where for the most part, I have refuge from human interaction. I am thankful for the time alone with God. With rare exceptions, dealing with people makes my soul unaware of God's presence. James 1:23-25 (NASB95) comes to mind:
23For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror;
24for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was.
25But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does.
I am a forgetful hearer in that when I hear God's Word in solitude, it strikes chords in my soul, but when I am with most people, any sense of God's presence escapes me. That contributes to the bitterness. I want to be alone with God, not having to deal with people.

On my ride today, I wondered what it would take for me to present my body as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God. To start, the bitterness would have to be purged. I asked God to heal me, to wash away the bitterness and flood my soul with His power. That is the only way I will ever be able to maintain a sense of God's presence when dealing with people. I would much prefer to be a hermit, but I do not have the financial means necessary to be one.

Did 35.74 miles of laps around the lake on the commuter bike. It was fairly cold; the temperature was around 50 degrees most of the time. It rained part of the time, also. I was prepared for the rain. I started off in rain gear even though when I left it didn't look like it would rain, as the forecast was calling for rain. It didn't rain all that hard. The average was slow again today; it was only 13 mph.

While riding, I was submitted to God and was marginally open to letting Him work in me to alleviate the bitterness with the end in mind of my being able to deal with people. Now, though, as I think about having to deal with people, I find myself resisting again. I feel like a lost cause. Had better go back to Psalm 51:10-12 in prayerful contemplation.

2015/10/27 18:15 Tuesday

Didn't mean to be so negative in yesterday's post about the pastor's statements. Last Sunday's sermon was rich in food for the soul. This morning, I woke up early, and while trying to fall back asleep, I gave prayerful contemplation to the sermon.

One thing that comes to mind is that the pastor stated that external respectability may hide that death is inside instead of Christ. Applying that to myself, there is a taint of deep-rooted bitterness in my soul that hinders my relationship with God. The bitterness took root due to experiences in my childhood, and has continued to grow due to experiences throughout my life. And, of course, there is extreme bitterness regarding my having female anatomy. Romans 9:20-21 speaks to that bitterness in particular as being a sin.

After writing the above, I went back to bed for a while. I was praying, and asked God to heal me of the bitterness. Immediately, I was struck with fear and realized the bitterness is a defense mechanism. It occurred to me that if I were part of a church again, and attempts were made to make me conform to a mold that I cannot fit in, without the bitterness I would be defenseless and my soul would be annihilated. I would lose my sense of self.

The solution to that would be to have Christ as my rock and source of strength. That would be the ideal state, even though I intend never to attend church again, and thus won't have to face attempts to make me conform to the particular mold of Christian female. I need Christ as my rock and source of strength for reasons other than that. For example, my downstairs neighbor irritates the daylights out of me almost all the time. Even so, I have asked her to call me every day to check in, as she has had strokes in the past, and if she were to have another one I wouldn't want it to be days before she was found.

While I was riding today, I asked the Lord to wash away the bitterness. That prayer hasn't been answered, at least not for any length of time. It would take a miracle for a permanent change to happen suddenly. For that matter, it would take a miracle for a permanent change to happen at all.

As for the ride, I did 35.86 miles of laps around the lake on the commuter bike at a slow average speed of 13.2 mph. Then I rode back to the lake with the downstairs neighbor to attend a ceremony announcing the start of a project to improve water flow in the lake.

Am tired and discouraged. Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2015/10/26 18:45 Monday

Yesterday, I made mention of the pastor having quoted someone to the effect that God is willing to take full responsibility for a person who is completely yielded to Him. I don't know about that. Perhaps the context of the quote would shed light on it, but I don't understand it. What would it mean for God to take full responsibility? God would surely be with a person if he were completely yielded to God and were to act in accordance with God's will, but there might be detrimental consequences regardless. Furthermore, someone might perceive that he is completely yielded to God and is doing His will, but be mistaken in that perception. For example, if I were to believe God was calling me to return to the church from which I am in exile, and I were to contact the pastor accordingly, I could very well end up in legal trouble again. Even if such a belief were to be accurate, the pastor and others in the church might not perceive that, and a judge would not exonerate me. And, of course, such a belief might not even be accurate.

As to the pastor's statement to the effect that everything could change if a person were to let God's power work in him and through him, in theory I see the validity of that. In practice, though, that is easier said than done. An example that comes to mind is what would happen if I were to attend a church. Would I be able to deal with interaction with women in the church? Probably not well at all. The closer I feel to God, the less I want to be dragged down by interacting with females in church, and that is what happens. Perhaps in such circumstances I am not truly letting God's power work in me and through me, or perhaps I just cannot fit the mold that others want to put me in due to my being cursed to have female anatomy. Another statement that the pastor made yesterday was that God gives us the power to do what we could never do on our own. I need God's power, and would need it even more so were I to be back in a church.

The pastor made note yesterday that the true altar of a Christian is in the heart, not in a physical place in a building. I don't know if I would ever again be able to accept an altar call that entailed being in a church.

Had a lousy ride today. Waited until about 12:30 so it would be warmer out. The weather forecasts weren't calling for much in the way of wind, but they were wrong. It was very windy by the time I started. Got on the Roubaix and headed for Verdi. Turned around after about nine miles because I got tired of being blown around by the wind. When I turned around, I looked at the weather reports. The KTVN weather app was reporting the wind speed at 20 mph. It didn't say how strong the gusts were. The AccuWeather app was reporting 0 mph winds with 0 mph gusts. Yeah, right. Anyway, I then did laps around the lake to bring the mileage up to 36.83 miles. Turns out that the work being done on Virginia Lake wasn't blocking the road. Hardly prayed at all during the ride. Wasn't focused on anything other than fighting the wind, I guess, and also I was brain-dead from being tired. The average speed was only 13.8 mph, which is exceedingly slow for a road bike. Not spending much time with God during the ride was what really made it a lousy ride, though.

Slept about 13 hours last night, and could have slept longer, but I dragged myself out of bed. Off to finish getting ready for bed. Am exhausted.

2015/10/25 19:10 Sunday

Paid bills this morning. Am making progress. Also, my credit union loan payments of $371 per month will be complete in February, so I will be able to start applying that amount to credit card balances soon. After the church service, I rode laps around the lake on the commuter bike. Did exactly 36 miles. Averaged only 13.6 mph. It was very windy. I'll be riding to Verdi tomorrow, as I suspect part of Eastshore may be closed off tomorrow due to work on the lake to improve water quality.

Now to write about the important matters of the day. I don't know what to think or where to start. There were statements made by the pastor in today's sermon that stirred my soul. I will address only two for now. One was a quote from someone else to the effect that God is willing to take full responsibility for a person who is completely yielded to Him. Another was a statement to the effect that everything could change if a person were to let God's power work in him and through him.

On second thought, I am too tired to address those statements this evening. I need to engage in more prayerful contemplation about them. Suffice it to say for now that I am thankful that God has helped me to rebuild my life, and I am simply not going to take any action that would risk disaster.

Am off to bed for much-needed sleep.

2015/10/24 19:30 Saturday

The workday dragged slowly today. Thought it would never end. Finally, though, my "weekend" is here. Am looking forward to the sermon tomorrow.

2015/10/23 20:30 Friday

Three down, one to go. Was less cranky at work today. Felt bad about being impatient the last couple of days, so I focused on having a better attitude.

Am too tired to think of anything else to write. Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2015/10/22 19:40 Thursday

Halfway done with the work week, thankfully. Have been impatient with people at work this week. Need to get that under control.

A few days ago I wrote that I didn't want to have DNR specified on my Road ID profile because if I were to die, I would want to know what happened to me when I was dead. Didn't think that through. If I were dead, I would know what was happening; I wouldn't have to come back to life to know. However, if I were resuscitated, I would be able to tell others what it was like to be dead.

2015/10/21 20:45 Wednesday

One work day down, three to go. What a grind. I'm in a rut.

Started taking 5 mg of paroxetine HCl this evening. Maybe it will help with the hot flashes and chills. The gynecologist prescribed 10 mg a while back, but after I took it for a while, he and I discussed it and I decided to try to do without either the estradiol or the paroxetine. As it has turned out, the hot flashes are bad, but the chills are unbearable. My bedroom temperature is about 70 degrees, and I sleep in full sweats and thick wool socks, between flannel sheets, and under a medium-weight comforter and a thick down comforter. Even so, when I am not having a hot flash, I am so cold that I have the covers pulled all the way over my head with just a small opening for my nose so I can breathe. All that, and I am still cold. I absolutely and utterly loathe being female, and everything about being female. If eternal life involves gender, I do not want eternal life. I want absolute and eternal oblivion.

2015/10/20 19:20 Tuesday

Had another slow ride again today. Just didn't have the energy to ride fast. Cold weather seems to slow me way down, not to mention the fatigue. At least I put in the miles and the time alone with God. Did 35.88 miles of laps around the lake on the commuter bike. Averaged only 13.3 mph.

My time with God was a bit strange. The clouds were beautiful again today, and again, I felt the hand of God as I gazed at them. Then I realized that this morning, I was afraid of the hand of God being upon me. I prayed that He would help me to understand why, and to help me overcome that. I believe we should fear God in a reverent manner, but this was different. It was more a fear of what might be asked of me by Him. It reminded me of when I was resisting surrendering my life to Christ.

By the time the ride was over, I was in a somewhat bad mood, but I don't know why. I felt better soon after I was done, and felt closer to God again, thankfully. Then, a couple of hours later, as I was driving to a haircut appointment, I was looking at the clouds again, and I realized I was almost afraid to look at them because I was afraid of sensing the hand of God.

This afternoon, I was in the process of ordering another Road ID. There was an option to add a DNR (do not resuscitate) notation to it, and I started to do that, but then it occurred to me that if I were to die and be brought back from death, I would want to know what transpired while I was dead.

There was a cycling club general meeting this evening, but I didn't go. There is usually a presentation along the lines of cycling-related content, such as a slideshow of a cycling trip. Tonight, though, there wasn't going to be a presentation. People were just going to talk about how their cycling was going, and there was going to be a demonstration of how to fix a flat tire. Really didn't want to deal with a social time like that, and besides, I needed to wash a full load of cycling gear. I still had lots of clean gear, but since I hang-dry most of it, I don't like to wash more than one load at a time. There is limited space in the apartment to hang wet gear.

The upcoming work week is a four-day week, much to my dismay. At least my next "weekend" will be four days. And I am thankful to have Sundays off so that I am able to watch church services online.

2015/10/19 19:50 Monday

Had a good ride today, sort of. Did 35.77 miles of laps around the lake on the commuter bike. The average speed was an exceedingly slow 12.8 mph, but sometimes even a slow ride is a good ride. The clouds were beautiful, and I was paying more attention to their beauty than to anything else. I don't know why, but gazing at beautiful clouds always makes me feel as though the hand of God is on me.

Started feeling a bit sad after the ride. It was probably because I gave thought to what I wrote yesterday about my belief that it wouldn't work for me to be in a church. What I wrote was accurate, but still, it is unfortunate and somewhat painful.

2015/10/18 20:45 Sunday

Got to bed late (for me) last night. My sister and I were texting about her first organized bicycle ride, which was 25 miles. It was this morning, and last night she was very nervous. She just got her bike very recently, and she was afraid she would fall, have a flat tire, come in last, or make a fool of herself. She needed encouragement and help overcoming her nervousness. It was about 9 o'clock before I got to bed. Then I woke up at about 6 o'clock, and probably would have tried to get back to sleep, but Hope kitty wanted attention. I petted her for a while, and then I couldn't get back to sleep. After the sermon, I was so tired I almost gave up on the thought of riding today. Went back to bed for about two hours, then decided to go ahead and ride. Did 35.79 miles of laps around the lake on the commuter bike. Got rained on for a while, but it wasn't too bad. I put on a rain jacket and kept going. I did slow down, though, as I was a little concerned that the road might be slick if I had to stop quickly. Besides, I was tired. Ended up averaging a pitiful 13.3 mph. At least I put in the miles and the time alone with God.

Today's sermon was inspiring to me. It left me with a sense of awe of God, which is a healthy sense to have, and the desire to draw closer to Him and to please Him. I was also reminded of a time before I surrendered my life to Christ when I didn't partake of the Lord's Supper elements. It just didn't seem right to partake, because I was not right with God. I had been resisting surrender, and that was a sin. I am thankful that God and the pastor were patient with me when I was resisting.

I continue to pray for healing for the pastor, but I also offer an apology of sorts to God regarding those prayers. It has occurred to me that if it isn't in His will for the pastor to be healed, then God might not appreciate the continued supplications. That probably isn't theologically correct, but I do wonder about it.

As I have noted before, I am thankful to be able to watch church services online. That is much better for me than being in a church would be. Human interaction takes a toll on me, and I have to interact with people almost all the time at work. Being around most of the people in a church, especially women, would distract me from my relationship with God. Interacting with some of the men would surely help me to draw closer to God, but I am female (an utterly loathesome condition), which means I would be expected to interact with females and have limited interaction with males. It just wouldn't work for me to be in a church.

It is late. Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2015/10/17 19:45 Saturday

Yay. It's my weekend. Left work early today so I could do laundry. It was piling up so much that I wanted to do it on my weekend this week, but I will be busy each day, and was concerned I might not find the time to do the wash. Did five loads. Didn't get much of it put away, and Hope kitty has found a comfortable spot on my towels in the laundry basket.

Was going to go to bed a while ago, but my sister from El Paso texted me about the tire pressure on her new bike. She was trying to pump up the tires to the recommended pressure, but was afraid they would pop because it got hard to continue pumping them. Spent some time texting back and forth.

Off to finish getting ready for bed before I drop.

2015/10/16 19:50 Friday

Two work days down, one to go. Was busy all day at work. At least the time went by quickly. Should shower tonight, but am just too exhausted. Off to get ready for bed.

2015/10/15 19:20 Thursday

One work day down, two to go. Have been exhausted all day. Off to get ready for bed.

2015/10/14 20:55 Wednesday

Frustrating day. Have been busy all day, and didn't get any Bible study done, which is one reason it was a frustrating day. No reason to go into all the details.

Finally got on the bike mid-afternoon. Did an errand on the commuter bike before doing my regular ride. The round-trip for the errand was only 2.94 miles. Then I rode 35.82 miles of laps around the park, also on the commuter bike. Averaged 14.4 mph.

Tomorrow is a work day. Had better get to bed.

2015/10/13 19:45 Tuesday

Luke 9:62 (NASB95):

62But Jesus said to him, "No one, after putting his hand to the plow and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God."
I am thankful that I never looked back in my relationship with Christ. I have drifted away to some extent at times, but I have never turned away from Him after surrendering my life. I deeply regret turning away from the pastor, but literally, I wasn't sane. I frequently give thanks for my sanity and pray that I will never go insane again. I am thankful for the medication that keeps me sane.

John 10:27-28 (NASB95):

27"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me;
28and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand."

Got to thinking about the metaphor of sheep, and that brought to mind some of the things the senior pastor has said about sheep. One, being called a sheep is not a compliment. Sheep are not intelligent creatures. Two, in the western method of sheepherding, sheep are driven, but in the eastern method, sheep are led. Three, all parts of a sheep are used, and in that sense, he wants to be a sheep used by Christ. Four, he wants to write a book named, "The Sheep Bite."

Anyway, I made some progress this morning in the Logos 6 training manual. After that, I went to the gastroenterologists' office. Rode the commuter bike there. The round-trip was 4.26 miles. It was already about 2:30pm by the time I got home. Went ahead and did a ride. Rode 35.8 miles of laps around the lake on the commuter bike. Averaged 14.2 mph. Don't know who is in the lead on the website I mentioned, as it has been down all day.

Off to finish getting ready for bed. Am fading fast.

2015/10/12 17:35 Monday

John 6:68-69 (NASB95):

68Simon Peter answered Him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life.
69"We have believed and have come to know that You are the Holy One of God."
That passage came to mind today while I was riding. I was praying for the youth pastor and his family, and reflecting on his sermon. One thing he spoke of was that he had turned to God's Word in search of healing. It did me good to hear that. To paraphrase what the senior pastor has noted at times, when tragedy strikes, some people turn to God, but others run from Him. I am thankful that I didn't wait longer than I did to surrender to God, and that I had Him to rely on during the difficult times that transpired not long after the time when I surrendered. I am thankful that I still have Him to rely on. I am thankful that all Christians have Him to rely on. I am thankful for shepherds who preach God's Word, and who set a good example for Christ's flock.

While I was waiting for the weather to warm up before riding, I started going through a Logos Bible Software training manual that I ordered a while back. I want to be able to use the Logos 6 features more fully than I do now. Just about all I use it for now is to read the Bible and search for passages that come to mind.

Didn't feel up to riding to Verdi today. In fact, when I started riding laps around the lake on the commuter bike, I thought perhaps I should have just ridden the trainer because I was very tired, which made me concerned about being able to ride safely. As I typically do, I prayed to God that I would be able to finish the ride safely and without mishap. Even though I was tired, I rode more laps than I usually do. There is a website where cyclists log their miles and are ranked by points based on the number of days they ride and their mileage. Not many Reno cyclists participate, but still, it brings out my competitive nature. At times, I am at the top, and I like being there. I had to ride at least 32 miles today to get back to the top ranking. I decided to do roughly 35 miles, and ended up at 35.85 miles. That put me back at the top for today, anyway. Another person who is sometimes at the top commutes to and from work on a bike, so she will pass me when she posts today's commute. I will pass her again tomorrow, though, assuming I feel up to riding. Averaged 14.1 mph today despite being exhausted.

Am going to study the Logos training manual for a while, and then get to bed.

2015/10/11 17:55 Sunday

Today's sermon really struck chords in my soul. It was rich in food for thought. It brought to mind that there has been much in my life that my soul has not healed from, and that I really need to work on healing my soul, or rather, to work on seeking God's healing touch. The sermon was a blessing, but it is sorrowful to think of what the seed was that brought about the sermon. The youth pastor and his family have been through much. They are on my prayer list.

After the sermon, I did a ride. Was way too tired even to think of riding to Verdi; it is always better to stay close to home when I am exhausted. Lost my balance a few times, but managed to catch myself and not crash. Rode 30.59 miles of laps around the lake on the commuter bike. The average speed was only 13.5 mph, but I was taking it very easy because of the exhaustion. All I wanted to do was get in the miles and the time alone with God.

Am exhausted. Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2015/10/10 20:15 Saturday

Made it through the work week, thankfully. Am so tired that I am having difficulty walking. Off to finish getting ready for bed. Am looking forward to tomorrow's sermon. The link to the sermon listening guide gives a 404 page not found error, but the broken URL shows "soul-restoration" in it. I could surely use soul restoration.

2015/10/09 20:45 Friday

Had to shower this evening, even though I was too tired to do so. Am off to finish getting ready for bed.

2015/10/08 20:10 Thursday

Am exhausted. Should have showered this evening, but am just too tired. Off to get ready for bed.

2015/10/07 20:10 Wednesday

One work day down, three to go. Had over 1200 emails to pore through.

IT techs have a sort of strange role. We are hourly, and thus the warehouse management have rank over us, but at times we have to lay down the law on them.

Am about to drop from exhaustion. Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2015/10/06 19:10 Tuesday

Had a good ride today. Rode slowly, though. Averaged only 13.4 mph for the 30.57 miles of laps around the lake on the commuter bike. Was too tired even to think of riding to Verdi. It was best to stay close to home. It was a good ride because I was focused on enjoying the weather, the beautiful clouds on the horizon, and the feel of riding. More importantly, I was also focused on the blessing of being alone with God. Among other prayers, I gve thanks for the privilege of coming before Him.

Have to go back to work tomorrow. That will be hard. Had better get ready for bed now and try to get a good night's sleep.

2015/10/05 20:15 Monday

Did 30.61 miles of laps around the lake on the commuter bike. Was too tired to go to Verdi on the road bike. The first ten miles went by quickly, but by 20 miles, I was thinking about quitting. Kept going, though, and toughed it out. I even picked up the pace on the last several miles. Averaged 14.2 mph. Prayed quite a bit for the first 20 miles or so, but then was just focused on riding.

Before doing that ride, I took the bike trailer to the grocery store. Picked up some foods that are recommended by the author of the book I picked up the other day. Sauerkraut, pickles, spinach, brussels sprouts, lentil soup, brown rice, and carrots. Picked up a few other items also.

There was a cycling club board meeting this evening. They are on the first Monday of the month. It dragged on and on.

Am exhausted. Off to get ready for bed. Will probably sleep in tomorrow. Am hoping to feel up to riding the road bike to Verdi. Tomorrow is my last day of vacation. It is back to work on Wednesday.

2015/10/04 20:25 Sunday

Had a good ride today. The average was slow, only 13.6 mph, but I prayed a lot and felt close to God. Did 30.65 miles of laps around the lake on the commuter bike. Didn't want to ride to Verdi on the Roubaix, as the AccuWeather app was predicting rain. Should have trusted the KTVN app, which was forecasting a 0% chance of rain.

As always, I am thankful to be able to watch church service webcasts.

After today's webcast, I laid down to rest for about 45 minutes before doing the ride. Slept about 12 hours last night. Am hoping that following the advice in the book I bought yesterday will alleviate the exhaustion. It will be hard to follow the recommended diet, though.

It is late. Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2015/10/03 19:10 Saturday

Didn't do the ride to the petroglyphs today. Amy heard it was muddy. My mountain biking skills aren't that good, and I was concerned I might crash in the mud. Crashing in the dirt would be one thing, but I didn't want to get muddy. We will probably go next Tuesday.

It was just as well that we didn't go, as I have been very tired today. Took a rest day from riding, as I rode the last six days.

Went to a bookstore and bought a book titled "The Microbiome Solution." Amy pointed it out to me yesterday. I had mentioned to her that I have been having gastrointestinal problems and that I have started taking a probiotic. The book is about promoting good bacteria in the system and what happens when there aren't enough of them or the right kind of them. I am wondering if my exhaustion is related to the gut issues.

Should have been in bed a while ago. Have been reading the book I bought today and also the Lance Armstrong book, and just want to keep reading. Am about to drop, so I had better get ready for bed.

2015/10/02 19:50 Friday

Amy and I didn't go to the petroglyphs today. She had her days mixed up. She had an appointment this morning. We are planning to go on our adventure tomorrow.

Did laps around the lake on the commuter bike. Went to the ATM machine first to make a deposit, so the mileage was a tad bit higher than usual on the lap-riding days. It was 30.97 miles. Averaged 14 mph. Was taking it easy.

After the ride, Amy and I went to lunch. Then we went to a bookstore. I bought a cookbook, of all things. It is titled "The Feed Zone Cookbook." A feed zone is the section of a cycling race in which the riders are given bags with food to eat while they are riding. They don't stop; they just grab the bags from their team support as they ride by. The cookbook has recipes for more than food to eat while cycling, though. It has meals for all day. The recipes are almost all quite simple to make, which appeals to me as a novice cook.

At the last cycling club meeting, the president brought a box of books that someone have given him to give away. One was Lance Armstrong's book, "It's Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life." I took that one, and I started reading it this evening. It is a good read so far.

I should have gone to bed early instead of starting to read the book, since I won't be able to sleep in. I will need to get up at about 7 o'clock. Am off to finish getting ready for bed. Better late than never.

2015/10/01 19:25 Thursday

Rode the trainer today. Didn't want to ride in the rain. Rain itself isn't that bad, but the road grit that gets on the bike, on the legs, and on a stripe up the back is annoying. Maybe I should get fenders for the commuter bike. Anyway, I did 25 miles on the trainer at an average speed of 16.9 mph. Listened to the sermons from 09/20 and 07/26. The one from 07/26 was from a guest speaker. I missed that Sunday because of the cycling club Yellow Jersey party that celebrates the end of the Tour de France.

Amy and I are planning on riding to the petroglyphs tomorrow. I'm not sure where they are. I think she and Randy said they are about ten miles from Hidden Valley. I'll take the fat bike. There isn't any rain in the forecast, but it is supposed to be chilly in the morning and not all that warm in the afternoon.

Had the truck smogged today and submitted the registration online. Got that out of the way for another year.

Off to get ready for bed. Am fading fast.