This site is currently under construction.

Click here for posts from 2010/06/14 to present

My purpose is to live for Christ alone.

13bForgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
- Philippians 3:13b-14 (NIV)

For beautiful the prize, and great our hope.

2016/07/23 18:30 Saturday

One thing I did yesterday was upgrade my Linux box from Fedora 23 to Fedora 24. Was praying it would go well, and gave thanks when it did.

Looked at the church service times. I will be able to watch the early service before the Yellow Jersey Party, since I am not going to do either of the club rides beforehand. Am not up to riding on the road for more than a few miles at a time.

Ran errands in the early afternoon (I drove, rather than riding), and then did a trainer ride for an hour. Did 15.66 miles.

Am at Psalm 124.

2016/07/22 16:40 Friday

Have been in a fog of exhaustion all day. Haven't done much of anything. Didn't try to ride; just took a rest day.

Am at Psalm 119:153.

2016/07/21 18:25 Thursday

My vacation is speeding past. Days off fly by because I sleep 12-14 hours a night. It is depressing.

Rode to Natural Grocers for a few things, including a supplement (ashwagandha) that supposedly helps with adrenal fatigue. Then I rode to Costco for a few more things. Had the trailer loaded down with some heavy things. It was sketchy riding home because of the weight; the trailer is a single-wheel one, so balance is crucial. Also, I was too tired to ride safely. I prayed that I would make it home safely and without mishap, and I gave thanks when I did.

The transportation mileage was 7.61 miles. After that, I did a trainer ride for an hour at a slow pace. Did 15.42 miles.

Read Psalm 119:1-64.

2016/07/20 18:25 Wednesday

Hardly slept at all last night. Instead of having a few hot flashes, which is how it had been, I had a lot. I hope the estradiol starts working soon. Was in bed for about 13 1/2 hours last night, and spent a good part of the day in bed also.

Went to Squeeze In with the downstairs neighbor this morning. Her birthday is coming up, and she had a coupon because of that.

Had a fairly good, albeit short and easy-paced, ride on the trainer today. Almost didn't ride because I was so tired, but the stubborness kicked in and I went ahead and rode. Did just an hour, which came to 15.37 miles. Felt better afterward than I had all day. At least I can ride the trainer, and I give thanks for that.

Am at Psalm 119.

2016/07/19 16:55 Tuesday

Paid bills this morning. Am making progress, but this month the progress was less due to some extra expenses. The auto insurance was due, and there was the bill for the shocks on the truck.

Did 25 miles on the trainer. Struggled. Averaged 15.7 mph.

Would prefer not to miss the church service webcast this Sunday, but as mentioned before, I will be going to the cycling club's Yellow Jersey Party to celebrate the end of the Tour de France. The main reason I will be going will be to take photos. Don't know yet if I will be doing a ride with the club beforehand; it will depend on how I feel. Listening to the sermon after it is posted will have to do.

There is a cycling club general meeting this evening, but I am too tired to go. I need to get to bed as soon as possible. Not only am I too tired to go, but I don't want to socialize at all.

Read Psalm 116.

2016/07/18 18:00 Monday

Dropped the truck off this morning and rode home from the repair shop, which is at Fourth and the Wells overpass. Then after a while I rode to Natural Grocers to pick up some L-glutamine. I read that it helps with adrenal fatigue. As I was leaving there, the repair shop called and said my truck was ready. Rode back to the shop to pick it up. After that, I rode to Costco with the trailer to pick up a few things. The total mileage was 14.61 miles.

Didn't feel up to doing a longer ride on the road, so I rode the trainer. Did 25 miles again today. Averaged only 15.9 mph, and was struggling.

Started taking estradiol (hormone replacement) again this evening. Just can't take the hot flashes any longer. Treatment for adrenal fatigue sometimes helps with hot flashes, but I cannot wait until mid-September to get them under control.

Am at Psalm 115.

2016/07/17 19:20 Sunday

Didn't feel up to riding on the road or running today, but I did do a trainer ride. My goal was 25 miles, and I was able to do that. Had problems with balance, though, a few times while I was sitting upright. Averaged only 15.8 mph, as I was taking it easy. Didn't listen to sermons while riding, but did spend time in prayer. Felt good after finishing; had the "runner's high."

I pray that I am not considered a troublemaker to the church due to some of my posts herein.

Have to get up early in the morning to take my truck in to the shop. Will be having the front shocks replaced.

Made an appointment the other day to see a naturopath. Unfortunately, they couldn't get me in until September 19th. They did put me on a cancellation list, though. I don't put faith in oriental "medicine," which the naturopath also practices. I am going to her because I think I have adrenal fatigue, which isn't really considered a diagnosis by Western medical standards. She does treat that condition. From what I have read, gluten intolerance and adrenal fatigue often go hand-in-hand with each other. I am thinking I may have done damage to my adrenal system when I did the gluten experiment prior to the celiac disease test.

Am at Psalm 112.

2016/07/15 20:25 Saturday

Just realized that I put "Wednesday" instead of "Friday" on yesterday's post. Corrected that.

Made it through the work day. Was busy all day long trying to get a lot of tasks taken care of. Didn't get everything done, so I will have tasks waiting for me when I go back on July 27th.

Am thankful that I will be off work for ten days. I will also have one work week off every month for the rest of the year, which translates to ten days off in a row every month because of my work schedule.

Read Psalm 108.

2016/07/15 20:15 Friday

One more work day, and then I have ten days off. Have been swamped all day for the last three days. Have to get some things off the back burner tomorrow before starting vacation time. Hopefully, it will be slower tomorrow, as it usually is on Saturdays.

Am at Psalm 108.

2016/07/14 20:45 Thursday

Had trouble falling asleep last night. That made it even harder than usual to get through the work day.

While praying during my rides, I used to give thanks for the ability to ride, both the physical ability and the social freedom. I also gave thanks that my health wasn't worse than it was. Now I can barely ride, and my health is very bad.

A couple of nights ago, I dreamt again that I was back at the church from which I am in exile. I don't know why that happens every now and then. I don't want to go to any church. I would fit in even less now than ever.

Read Psalm 105.

2016/07/13 20:40 Wednesday

One work day down, three to go.

Am at Psalm 105.

2016/07/12 17:05 Tuesday

Riding in the downtown area and the Fourth Street corridor yesterday made me very thankful for all I have. Seeing so many down and out people gave me pause.

Took a turn for the worse again today. Was too tired to do a workout. This morning, I was hoping at least to do a trainer ride even though I was tired, but wasn't up to doing even that. Have had trouble standing and walking again today. Did do laundry, as that was needed to get me through the work week.

One more work week and then I will be on vacation. Will be off work from the 17th until the 27th. I need the time off.

Have been awake for only about 8 1/2 hours, but need to go to bed now.

2016/07/11 21:25 Monday

Have been feeling better today than the last few days. Had to get up early to take my truck in to have the brakes worked on. Rode home from the shop, which is at Fourth and the Wells overpass. Then took the bike trailer to Costco. A while after that, I rode back to pick up my truck. The total mileage was 12.33 miles. That isn't much, but by the time I was done, I was fading fast.

Fixed flats for two bicycle riders today. First, when I pulled up to the auto repair shop, a guy saw my bike in the back of my truck and asked if I had a patch. He had the tube out of the tire already and had the tire back on the rim, which I thought was strange. I patched the tube and he headed for a nearby tire shop that had a free air pump. The repair shop I was at didn't want to pump up the tire because of liability concerns, probably because a car tire pneumatic pump could blow out a bike tire easily. I couldn't pump it up because the pump I carry is for Presta valves and he had a Schraeder. Then, as I was riding home, I saw a guy walking a bike. I asked if he had a flat, and sure enough, he did. Luckily, he had a Presta valve tube, so I was able to pump up the tire after I patched the tube. He was Hispanic and didn't speak English very well, but we managed to communicate. He actually offered to pay me when I was done, which took me by surprise because it hadn't even occurred to me to take money for it. I told him he didn't need to give me anything, and that I was glad to help.

Had a cycling club board meeting this evening. Drove to it instead of riding. For one thing, I was tired, and for another, I wouldn't have been able to take my bike into the restaurant this time. We are usually in a meeting room, and we can take bikes in there, but tonight we were in the main dining room, where they don't allow bikes. There was a scheduling conflict with the meeting room because we changed this month's meeting to the second Monday of the month instead of the first, as the first Monday was the Fourth of July.

Am at Psalm 99.

2016/07/10 18:05 Sunday

Had trouble falling asleep last night. Guess I was too tired to fall asleep. It was about 10 o'clock when I finally drifted off. Then, after being awakened by a cursed hot flash at about 5:30am, I couldn't go back to sleep. Was too exhuasted to get up, so I laid there in bed until I fell asleep again at about 6:45am. Had trouble dragging myself out of bed in time for the sermon. Kept hitting snooze. After the sermon, I went back to bed for about two hours. This is no way to live.

The sermon was reassuring. As an aside, though, I'm still leaning strongly toward wanting absolute and eternal oblivion instead of heaven.

Am so exhuasted I am staggering. Off to bed.

Am at Psalm 97.

2016/07/09 21:00 Saturday

Made it through the work week, barely. Am exhausted beyond measure. Am so tired I am woozy.

Had quite a scare when I got home. Hope kitty has never failed to greet me at the door when I get home from work. However, she did not do so this evening. I called her, and she still didn't come. That frightened me. I found her hiding under the bed, and she didn't want to come out. She came to the edge and let me pet her, but then she went back under the bed. I finally was able to coax her to come out, and after a bit she was back to normal. I assume there was something that happened while I was at work that scared her.

Am at Psalm 95.

2016/07/08 20:30 Friday

Twelve-hour workdays are just too hard on me, but I am trapped in my job. Too tired to read tonight. Am barely able to walk, I am so exhuasted.

2016/07/07 20:30 Thursday

Had a frustrating day at work today. Was busy just about all day. Ran into a couple of problems that I still haven't solved.

I suspect that one reason I have been feeling worse since starting the gluten-free diet is due to low blood pressure. I normally have low blood pressure, and I have read that eliminating wheat from one's diet typically lowers blood pressure. I had noticed that I have been more dizzy than usual when first standing up lately, so I bought a blood pressure monitor. A reading I just now took was 83/64. Not good.

Read Psalm 92.

2016/07/06 18:05 Wednesday

Was too tired again today to ride safely. Didn't even try. Instead, did a run of 5.21 miles. The pace was embarrassingly slow.

Am at Psalm 92.

2016/07/05 16:40 Tuesday

I will miss the church service webcast on July 24th. The cycling club will be having a Yellow Jersey Party that day to celebrate the end of the Tour de France. I probably won't do even the short ride, but will go to Bueno's for the party.

I would like to find a different job, but am afraid that if I were to accept a position and quit my current job before the background check was complete, I wouldn't pass the background check and would be stuck without a job. If the check went back only seven years, I would pass, but some companies go back further than seven years. At least I have a decent job now, although there are aspects of it that make me want to leave.

Slept 14 hours last night, except for the times I woke up due to the cursed hot flashes.

Figured I was too tired to ride today, but tried anyway. Did only 15.84 miles of laps at an average speed of only 12.6 mph. Really was too tired to ride safely. Rode most of the time with a foot unclipped.

Read Psalm 89.

2016/07/04 16:20 Monday

Woke up at about 6:30am due to a hot flash and couldn't get back to sleep. I hate having a female body. Maybe God will have mercy and whatever is causing my health problems will kill me soon.

Was hoping to be able to ride today, but was too tired to ride safely. Ran 5.44 miles instead. Was really too tired to do that, too, but I was being stubborn. The exhaustion is just one more thing fueling my bitterness.

Am at Psalm 89.

Off to bed.

2016/07/03 20:15 Sunday

To set an iPhone calendar entry on a minute mark instead of on a five-minute mark: 1) Tap the "Starts" line. 2) Turn "All-day" on. 3) Turn "All-day" off.

There is no way I will vote for Trump. He is, at best, a bombastic buffoon.

I'm not sure the bylaws wording is sufficient. For example, a transgender male would say that he/she was born a man despite being born with female anatomy. That is how I would describe myself. I have never identified as a female. However, I do not identify at all with the LGBT community. They encourage LGBT people to be proud of what they are, while I loathe myself and consider myself to be an abomination.

Went to Amy and Randy's for dinner. Amy is a great cook. They live off of Timberline Drive, which is off the Mt. Rose Highway just before it veers left near Galena. Last year, we rode bikes up the fire road to an overlook to watch the fireworks. This year, I couldn't do that because I can't stay up that late.

Slept until about 8:15am, then after the church service webcast I laid down to rest for over two hours. Even so, I have been exhausted all day. Driving home from Amy and Randy's was nerve-wracking because of the exhaustion. I haven't driven drunk for decades (I haven't even had alcohol for well over a decade), but I have always thought I was more capable of driving drunk than driving tired.

Read Psalm 79. Too tired to read more.

2016/07/02 20:30 Saturday

Made it through the work week, and managed to drive home despite being exhausted. Am too tired to read tonight. Tried to, but was falling asleep.

2016/07/01 20:15 Friday

Today was another non-stop day. One more day, and then I have four days off.

Am at Psalm 79.

2016/06/30 21:15 Thursday

Was on the go non-stop at work today. I need a vacation.

Am at Psalm 77.

2016/06/29 20:00 Wednesday

One work day down, three to go.

Am at Psalm 75.

2016/06/28 17:25 Tuesday

Had insomnia last night. Was too tired to ride safely today, and was also too tired to run, but I did run 6.25 miles this morning nonetheless. Life always seems much worse when I am not able to work out. My mood has been marginally better since the run than it has been for the last few days.

Have taken black cohosh the last few nights to try to get rid of the hot flashes. It hasn't helped, and I wonder if it has been contributing to my increased self-hatred and hatred of life. It could be that it has been making me more emotional. With the exception of the love I feel for my cat, for the most part the only emotions I feel are those of pain, loathing of myself, and loathing of life. Even my thankfulness toward God has a strong undercurrent of pain. In any case, I won't be taking the black cohosh any longer.

Heard back from the doctor today. I don't have diabetes. That is good news. As to the increased exhaustion, there is still some hope that it is due to gluten withdrawal.

Am at Psalm 73.

2016/06/27 18:50 Monday

Was listening to the soloist practice yesterday before the service in the webcast, and though I could barely understand her, I caught just enough of the lyrics to look them up. The first two verses are very poignant.

Was in bed for about 14 1/2 hours last night, and slept most of that time. Would have slept later, except I had to get the blood test for diabetes this morning. After that, I ran a few errands, and then laid down to rest for an hour and a half or so. Was too tired again today to do a workout. My health problems contribute heavily to the bitterness. And, of course, the loathsome condition of having a female body floods my soul exceedingly with bitterness.

Am at Psalm 65.

2016/06/26 16:55 Sunday

Am exhausted beyond measure. Didn't even think about doing a workout today. Had insomnia last night, and then was barely able to drag myself out of bed in time for the church service webcast. After the webcast, I laid down to rest for an hour and a half or so. This is no way to live. I just want to die, and to have eternal and absolute oblivion. Too bad I'm too much of a coward to off myself. Too bad the woman in San Diego who made suicide kits was arrested before she sent me the one I ordered.

Am thankful to be able to watch church service webcasts. Had to turn down the audio during the singing, though, as women's voices grate on my nerves like fingernails on a chalkboard. As to the possibility of my ever contacting the pastor or anyone else in the church, the pastor may rest assured that will never happen. Even if it would not entail the risk of getting into legal trouble again, it would serve no purpose, as far as I can see, and it would be exceedingly painful for me, not to mention the fact that I would likely drop dead of fright at interacting with him. I will never "get over" what happened. It caused too much trauma, and it added exponentially to my inability to trust people, which was already entrenched by my childhood. Because of what I have been through in my life, my soul is a wellspring of pain and bitterness. That is incurable.

Am at Psalm 56. Psalm 55 was especially poignant.

Off to bed.

2016/06/25 20:25 Saturday

Thankfully, it is now my weekend. It is just a three-day weekend, unfortunately. I was the only one in IT at work today, which was fine because that gave me work to do throughout the day. We have to print media for the warehouse every two hours. That is something I haven't had to do all that often, but obviously since I was the only one there I had to do it. It didn't keep me busy all the time, but it did help make the time pass better.

Why do children have a need to be so noisy? I despise them for that.

Read Psalm 50.

2016/06/24 20:35 Friday

It was a really slow day at work today. The time passed excruciatingly slowly. I am burned out from being at work. When I am busy, I don't think about it all that much, but when it is slow, I just want to escape. Speaking of wanting to escape, I want to escape life.

Am at Psalm 50.

2016/06/23 19:35 Thursday

Another busy day at work. At least it makes the time go by faster.

Am so exhausted I am about to collapse.

Read just Psalm 47.

2016/06/22 17:10 Wednesday

It was about ten o'clock by the time I got to bed last night, and then I woke up at a little after 8am. Have been utterly exhausted all day. Was too tired even to ride the trainer.

Am at Psalm 47.

Off to bed.

2016/06/21 21:30 Tuesday

Had bad insomnia last night. That happens when I don't eat much during the day. Am wondering if that could be caused by diabetes. I left a message for my doctor on the patient portal, and he had his staff mail me orders for tests.

Rode to a hair appointment this morning. That round-trip was 5.87 miles. Then did laps around the lake. My goal was 20 miles, but only made it 15.91 miles. Came home and laid down to rest for an hour and a half, then after a while I rode to the cycling club meeting. That round-trip was 7.42 miles. Went to the meeting early, and wished I hadn't. A woman pulled up a chair across from me, and she was a know-it-all about my health issues. I wasn't in the mood for conversation in the first place, and putting up with her was more than I could take.

Am at Psalm 40.

2016/06/20 18:10 Monday

Was in bed for 15.5 hours last night, and was asleep for most of that time. Was still tired today. Am wondering if it was a coincidence that my health took a nosedive about the time I ate a lot of gluten-containing food for the celiac disease test. Either it was a coincidence, or I am still going through withdrawal from gluten. I have read that withdrawal can take several weeks, and it has been only about a month since I went completely gluten-free. From what I have read, one may feel worse when going through withdrawal than when eating gluten.

Was able to ride today, but was still in a fog that made it somewhat unsafe to ride. Did only 20.05 miles of laps at an average speed of only 13.3 mph. Then I rode to the bank, and after that took the BoB trailer to Costco. The total mileage for the transportation rides was 6.84 miles.

Read Psalms 36 and 37.

2016/06/19 16:35 Sunday

Tried to do a ride today, but didn't get far. I had thought 20 miles or so would be a reasonable goal, and was hoping maybe to do 25. However, I misjudged how tired I was. By about three miles, I knew I was too tired to make 20, and was hoping to do 15, but thought perhaps even that was unrealistic. Only managed to hold on to do 10.62 miles. I was too tired to ride safely. I was unable to stay focused and alert, and even had moments of confusion.

My balcony faces a common area, and the pool is at the other end of that area. Unfortunately, children playing in the pool are very noisy. I hate the noise children make. It really gets under my skin.

Paid bills this morning. Am making progress at cutting down my credit card debt.

Read just Psalm 35. Am too tired to read more. Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2016/06/18 20:25 Saturday

Wasn't sure I would be able to make it home from work safely, due to the exhaustion. Did make it through the work day and the drive home, though. Prayed I would make it home safely and without mishap, and gave thanks when I did. Am looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow and then watching the sermon webcast. Am hoping to feel up to riding tomorrow, also.

Am at Psalm 35.

2016/06/17 20:00 Wednesday

Was busy at work today, but the pace was slower. Wasn't juggling as many things at once as I was the last two days, and managed to get caught up on some back-burner things.

Am exhausted beyond measure. Read only Psalm 33. Too bushed to read more.

2016/06/16 20:25 Tuesday

Today was another swamped day at work. Worked 9.5 hours non-stop before having time to take a break. Again, it made the day go by fast.

Slept better last night than I have been, but still, didn't have time to sleep long enough to get enough rest.

Am at Psalm 32.

2016/06/15 20:10 Wednesday

Was swamped at work today. At least it makes the day go by fast.

Had insomnia again last night. Groan.

Am at Psalm 30.

2016/06/14 18:00 Tuesday

Today is the 18th anniversary of the first day I attended the church from which I am in exile. Time flies. Bittersweet memories.

Had a mammo appointment this morning, so I had to drag myself out of bed early again. Rode to the appointment and then to the polling place. By the time I got home from there, the wind was gusting at 28 mph, so I didn't want to do a recreational ride. Was too tired to do a workout anyway, either on a bike or running. Had trouble falling asleep again last night, and again, had trouble falling asleep after one of the hot flashes.

The USPS is supposed to deliver a package to me by 8pm. I simply cannot stay awake that late. Am about to drop from exhuastion already. Hopefully they won't deliver it today after all. I'm going to be in bed by 6:15pm.

Am at Psalm 27.

2016/06/13 18:15 Monday

Was too tired to ride again today. Had trouble falling asleep yesterday evening, and also had trouble falling asleep after one of my hot flashes. Barely managed to drag myself out of bed in time to have coffee before the doctor's appointment. After the appointment, I did research for tomorrow's voting. Then I laid down to rest, setting an alarm for 45 minutes. Didn't manage to get up until a couple of hours had passed. Wouldn't have gotten up then, but loud and obnoxious children playing in the pool woke me up. I have an intense dislike of children.

Had a routine medication management appointment with the psychiatrist this afternoon. Then I went to Costco.

Am at Psalm 19.

2016/06/12 17:20 Sunday

In the church service today, the pastor prayed for protection for himself and his church. Myself, I pray for protection from the pastor and his church. It is clear from what I write that I watch their church service webcasts, and sometimes I fear that will land me in legal trouble given the past history. I assume that the pastor, and perhaps others, read what I write herein. I very frequently give thanks that my legal troubles are over, and pray that I will never be in legal trouble again. I also very frequently give thanks for my sanity, and pray that I will never go insane again.

In his review today, the pastor skipped a point that he made in last Sunday's sermon. The point was, "Your place in ministry will sometimes change." Last Sunday, in the late sermon, he said something to the effect that some people had had difficult situations occur in churches where God had released them from, and that he was sorry that had happened. Perhaps that was a veiled apology to me, and perhaps not. Regardless, I am sorry about what happened, its being caused by mental illness notwithstanding.

Didn't ride today. Was too tired to ride safely. Was too tired even to ride the trainer or go for a run. After the church service webcast, I laid down to rest for a little over two hours. Am still trying to recover from the bad insomnia I had Tuesday and Wednesday nights, and the fact that I don't get enough sleep on work nights. And, of course, waking up during the night due to hot flashes makes it worse. I wonder if the hot flashes would go away if I were to undergo gender reassignment. It is a moot point, though, as I assume that God would consider it a sin, and besides, I would feel like an imposter.

I was supposed to be off work June 4th and 11th, and the 23rd-25th. However, not only did the guy who was on the same shift as I am quit, but also, the warehouse cut the two positions they were paying for in IT. They were paying two people to do the printing of media used by the warehouse. So much for having a nice month of a lot of time off. The reason I was going to take the 23rd-25th off was because of the ride I mentioned herein a while back. I could probably swing getting the 25th off, but I wouldn't want to do the ride with having to work the two days before it, due to not getting enough sleep on work nights.

Am at Psalm 16. Psalm 15 describes what I would like to be.

Off to finish getting ready for bed. Am tired, and have to be up early tomorrow morning for a doctor's appointment.

2016/06/11 20:45 Saturday

Thought the work day would never end. Caught up on some things that needed follow-up. However, I wasn't very busy, and that made the day go by slowly.

Read Psalm 10. Am too tired to read more.

2016/06/10 19:50 Friday

Had some trouble falling asleep last night, but slept soundly once I did fall asleep, with the exception of being awakened by two hot flashes. (Have I ever mentioned that I loathe being female?) Didn't get to sleep long enough, though. One more work day, and then I get to sleep late on Sunday.

Am at Psalm 10.

2016/06/09 21:25 Thursday

Had a bad case of insomnia again last night, and am getting to bed late tonight. Am pushing my limits.

Read Psalms 4 and 5. Psalms stir my soul.

2016/06/08 16:45 Wednesday

I think I have figured out why I was so anxious yesterday about being clipped in with both feet. I took a "Super B Complex" vitamin yesterday morning. Yesterday evening, when I went to bed, I realized that my heart rate was way too high. That got me thinking as to what I had done during the day that could have caused it. The only thing I could think of was the vitamin I had taken for the first time. I hardly slept at all, and at one point, I got up and did some google research, and I read a number of comments from people who had anxiety attacks when taking B-complex vitamins.

Because I hardly slept at all last night, I was really too tired to ride, but I was being stubborn and did so anyway. I was hoping to be able to do 30+ miles, but by the time I had ridden three miles I was thinking I might only be able to do 15. I actually considered doing only ten, but again, I was being stubborn, and ended up doing 25.32 miles at an average speed of 14 mph. Unfortunately, I crashed at about 21 miles. I was going up the hill on Eastshore heading for Lakeside, and saw a pedestrian entering the crosswalk. That happens often enough that I am typically prepared for it. However, that time I kind of blacked out and didn't unclip. I think I hit the brakes, also, even though I had plenty of time to stop mainly by losing momentum on the hill. I think I was paying more attention to praying than to riding, but I really don't know for sure what happened. In any case, I went ahead and did three more laps to hit 25+ miles, and wasn't afraid to clip in, thankfully.

Read the first three Psalms. I really like Psalms.

Off to get ready for bed. Am exhausted.

2016/06/07 19:45 Tuesday

Today's ride was not good at all. Rode 30.65 miles of laps on the Roubaix. Averaged only 14.1 mph, which is slow for a road bike. Part of the reason the average was so slow was because I was taking it easy, but part was because my pedaling was inefficient because I rode with my right foot unclipped the whole way. Every time I clipped in, I panicked and unclipped again right away. Maybe it was partly because I am not used to the Roubaix, but that hasn't happened before when I ride it after not riding it for a while. After I got home, I got on the trainer and practiced pedaling while clipped in and also practiced unclipping. Then I got back on the bike and did 8.5 miles of laps while clipped in most of the time. I went slow and just focused on riding clipped in without panicking. Had planned to do 10+ miles, but was too tired to continue safely.

Finished Job.

2016/06/06 20:50 Monday

Had a good ride today. Did 25.32 miles of laps on the Sirrus at an average speed of 15.2 mph. It wasn't all that windy for most of the ride, although there was a headwind on Eastshore after about an hour of riding. Was able to go around most of the slow-moving traffic. Will try for 30+ miles tomorrow.

Tonight was the monthly cycling club board meeting. Rode there and back. It was a 7.45-mile round trip.

It goes without saying that I would be terrified if I were to be in legal trouble again, but I would also be terrified if anyone from the church were to contact me.

Am at Job 32.

2016/06/05 20:10 Sunday

On the one hand, today's sermon was a true blessing, but on the other, it left me in pain and terrified. Trust comes hard.

Did 25.26 miles of laps on the Sirrus. Am still not up to getting back to doing 36-mile rides. Averaged only 13.7 mph. Was having a problem with my left knee. At about a mile into the ride, all of a sudden I started having excruciating pain in it, and could barely pedal. After about another mile, it finally subsided. Still took it easy, though, out of concern that the pain might come back. Didn't feel like pushing the pace, anyway. Just wasn't up to it, either psychologically or physically.

Am at Job 20.

2016/06/04 20:50 Saturday

Am thankful that it is my weekend. This week is a four-day weekend.

Am at Chapter 13 of Job.

2016/06/03 20:20 Friday

Had to work a little late this evening. A job failed at work, and I had to coordinate between the local Packing department and the home office guys who were working on fixing the problem. Thankfully, I didn't have to stay too late.

While reading Job this evening, I came across the word "loathsome." I've been spelling it "loathesome," which I discovered is incorrect.

Am at Chapter 10 of Job.

2016/06/02 21:00 Thursday

Read one more chapter of Job.

2016/06/01 20:40 Wednesday

Had about 1200 emails waiting for me when I got to work this morning. Didn't have time to even look at them until about noon, though, as I was busy working incidents until then. Finally got through them before I left, but there are several still needing follow-up.

Had planned to take the next two Saturdays off, but will be working them after all because of the co-worker whose last day is this Friday. Am hoping to be able to take June 23-25 off still.

Read the first four chapters of Job. I can relate to having difficulties in life.