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My purpose is to live for Christ alone.

13bForgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
- Philippians 3:13b-14 (NIV)

For beautiful the prize, and great our hope.

2018/03/16 21:40 Friday

Three work days down, one to go.

Too tired to take care of it tonight, but I have to unfriend on Facebook a high school friend. She is a rabid Trump supporter, and constantly posts to that effect. She never did have much of a brain.

2018/03/15 21:20 Thursday

Two work days down, two to go. Looks like there should be a break in the weather during my "weekend," thankfully.

2018/03/14 21:10 Wednesday

Almost forgot to post...

The fundraising is going fairly well. Am thankful for that.

2018/03/13 22:00 Tuesday

If it were to be deemed by others that it be God's will for me to go to church, I would do so. When I have prayed about it, I have said, "Your will be done, Lord."

There was a cycling club general membership meeting this evening. Rode the Diverge to and from it. It was pleasant to ride. It was sunny and fairly warm on the way over. Was offered a ride home in case it were to be raining after the meeting, but it was dry when I left. The roads downtown were wet, though, and it started raining a bit when I was about a mile and a half from home. Didn't get very wet, thankfully. I had taken rain gear with me, but since it was dry when I left, I had not put it on.

2018/03/12 20:25 Monday

Rough day. After sleeping 12 hours, I was exhausted after being awake for five hours. Curled up in a chair and tried to rest for an hour. That didn't work. Hope kitty kept walking around on me to get petted. Oh, well. I love my cat.

Was too tired to ride, so I ran errands. Dropped off the Diverge at the bike shop to have the derailleur cable fixed and the rack put on it. Did a lot of laundry, and went to Costco. After getting today's mail, which had a bike axle in it, I went back to the bike shop to get the new axle installed. It is for pulling the BoB trailer.

My sister returned my truck, which she had borrowed, and when we got back to her house to drop her off, I helped her submit a request for reimbursement of a recall repair she had done on her Jeep. She didn't know how to scan documents, nor how to find them once they were scanned. Then, we were trying to submit the request online using Firefox, but the "submit" button wasn't working. After going over everything with a fine-tooth comb trying to see if there was something that needed to be corrected in order to submit it, I gave up and tried Edge. That worked.

So, even though I didn't get to ride or read today, I will be getting to bed much later than I had hoped to. Rats.

2018/03/11 19:25 Sunday

There weren't any glitches in the webcast today, thankfully, but the stream went offline during the closing prayer, unfortunately.

After the webcast, I curled up in a chair to rest for about an hour. Then I took the Diverge out for a ride. The Diverge is my new bike. It is a gravel grinder, but will also be good for commuting and running errands. To pay for it, I used my tax refund, sold one bike, and am selling another. Unfortunately, the cable came off the front derailleur when I was trying to shift at one point, and I was unable to shift to the big chainring. Headed for home to get the Roubaix Pro, and finished up on that bike. Did 8.49 miles on the Diverge, and 18.02 miles on the Roubaix Pro. Rode slowly. Tired.

Need to customize my TNT fundraising page and start sending out emails. Started composing it today, but have been too tired to do much.

2018/03/10 20:35 Saturday

As usual for a Saturday, it was fairly slow work day. Got caught up on some things, but not everything.

Am getting overwhelmed by life. Too exhausted to get everything done that needs to be done. There aren't enough hours in the day on my days off from work, because I sleep 12-14 hours a night.

Am not planning on doing the club ride tomorrow. Doubt that I will feel up to it. Will watch the sermon webcast, and then do some laps.

2018/03/09 21:30 Friday

Work wasn't as bad today. I was busy all day, but wasn't juggling as many things at once as I was yesterday.

When I get irritated at work, that is compounded by my getting angry at myself for getting irritated, especially since irritation is not a good thing for a Christian to experience. At those times, it is a downward spiral.

Finally responded to my sister about her having said she was thinking about doing the Team in Training (TnT) ride with me. Texted her that if she is going to do the ride, she should practice climbing, descending, and shifting. Told her that if she were to practice, she would start to feel comfortable. Haven't heard back yet. It will probably discourage her from doing the ride, as she likely won't want to take the time away from running to practice bike skills.

2018/03/08 20:30 Thursday

Work was exceedingly frustrating today. I am fed up with working nonstop and having to juggle way too much simultaneously all day. I confess that my temper was frayed, at best, for most of the day. I am also fed up with having to explain the same procedures over and over to the same managers of other departments. If I had time, I would write documentation for the procedures. It shouldn't be necessary, though. The things I have to explain to them over and over again are simple.

The Synthroid seems to have helped my mood, but not enough.

Listened to part of last Sunday's sermon this evening. Too tired to listen to the rest of it. Unfortunately, because I am still seething about work, it isn't doing that much good. One would think that it would help, but sometimes I just can't let go of the irritation that work engenders.

If I weren't so exhausted beyond measure all the time, perhaps I would be able to cope better. Maybe given more time the Synthroid will help alleviate the exhaustion, and maybe changing the bipolar meds will also help. I'm at the end of my rope.

2018/03/07 20:35 Wednesday

Officially signed up for the Team in Training ride this morning. My sister is thinking about signing up, too. I hope she doesn't. She barely knows how to shift, and she is afraid of going fast. There is a long, somewhat steep climb, and a fast downhill. Not sure how to tell her tactfully that I think she would be in over her head.

Maybe it is my fault that I don't fit in at churches. I don't identify as a female, and don't want to. That isn't a choice, though. It is just who I am. Maybe if I wore cargo pants instead of skirts to church like I used to, people wouldn't expect me to act like a female.

I'm planning on trying a different bipolar medication at my next psychiatrist's appointment, which will be on April 16th. The one I take now, olanzapine, is known to cause fatigue and weight gain. I have tried a few others, and the fatigue had not gone away when taking them, though. However, I only tried them for a month each. I am going to go back on one I was on before, aripiprazole (Abilify). It was more expensive, but the generic is now available, and it is not all that expensive. Hopefully the anger problems I sometimes had before won't be an issue. Not sure if it was medication-related or situational. My work environment is much better now. If I start losing my temper more, I'll try something else. I am losing hope that the Synthroid is going to help the fatigue, and I have to do something. I can't keep living with the exhaustion. I will keep taking the Synthroid for a few more months, though, just in case.

2018/03/06 20:05 Tuesday

Rough day.

Woke up after only about ten hours of sleep, which isn't enough for me. Then the downstairs neighbor called after I had been up for about an hour and a half. She told me that her computer wouldn't boot and she woke up with the spins, as though she were drunk. Her computer needed a new case fan. I told her to call the doctor while I was getting a fan. She told me she would call, but in the meantime would drink water in case it was due to dehydration. I replaced the fan, and that fixed the computer problem. Thankfully, I didn't have to take the time to take her to urgent care, as she started feeling normal again.

After that, I went for a ride on the Diverge. The plan was to do 25+ miles of laps and then ride over to the bike shop to have a rack put on the bike. Enjoyed the first 11 miles or so, and then started feeling more and more tired. Balance problems due to exhaustion also kicked in. Gave up after a while and rode to the bike shop. The total mileage was only 20.23 miles.

Then, after I got home, my sister texted me asking if she could borrow my truck, as her car was in the shop. That was fine, but it meant having to drive it over to her house. Thankfully, she lives close by, so it didn't take too long.

Decided to go ahead and do the Team in Training fundraising for this year's June ride around Tahoe (the America's Most Beautiful Bike Ride). I will do the option to take the boat across the lake and then ride 35 miles back to the finish. TnT still has spots on the boat open. My sister and nephew probably won't do the ride. I would be concerned about my sister's bike skills anyway.

Didn't have the time or energy to read. Still drained.

2018/03/05 20:00 Monday

Didn't ride today. Too drained. Tried to read in Luke, but was too tired to focus, so I gave up before long and curled up in a chair to rest.

There was a cycling club board meeting this evening. Went to that. Was so tired on the drive home, I didn't really feel like I was in a safe condition to drive.

Probably won't be able to do the Team in Training ride this year. There aren't any spots available on the boat for the general public, so my sister and nephew wouldn't be able to ride with me. Am waiting to hear back from TnT to see if they have any of their boat ride spots still open.

2018/03/04 19:15 Sunday

Made it through the memorial. There were a lot of people there. Chuck touched a lot of people's lives, especially in the running community. I knew quite a few of the people there, and was glad of that. The main eulogy was beautiful. It was by a friend of Chuck's, and he quoted the Bible quite a few times. I happened to strike up a conversation with Chuck's oldest sister, and got her email address. She is a committed Christian. She still lives in my home town in Southern California, where Chuck also lived until he and my sister moved to Reno.

There was a slide show before and after the eulogies. There were a lot of photos of Chuck and his wife, and they looked very loving toward each other and very happy. Made me rethink my being such a loner.

Before the memorial, I watched part of the first service webcast. There were some glitches. Then, after getting home this evening, I watched the second service webcast. There were a lot of glitches. Will listen to the audio of the sermon when it is posted.

After the memorial, I drove my sisters and a nephew back to the house of the sister who lives in Reno. The nephew, who lives in Portland, and the sister who lives in El Paso and I discussed doing a bike ride together in June. It is one that is partially a Team in Training ride. Team in Training benefits the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I would like to do it in honor of Chuck.

Fading fast. It has been a tiring day.

2018/03/03 20:45 Saturday

Glad the work week is over. The workload has been rough.

The "Celebration of Life" for Chuck is tomorrow morning at 11 o'clock. I want to go, but on the other hand, I don't want to. Memorials are always painful for me. For that matter, memories in general are painful for me. Even memories that should probably be pleasant are painful for me. There appears to be something amiss with the functioning of the memory faculty of my brain. All of my memories are tinged with pain at best, or are outright painful. I will be going to the memorial, but am dreading it.

Left for work early again today due to the weather. Read in the Logos app again while waiting to clock in. Am at Luke 4 now.

2018/03/02 20:35 Friday

The snow made the drive to and from work not too bad. Ice wasn't an issue. Will be leaving early for work again tomorrow. This morning, I read Luke 1 while waiting to clock in.

Am utterly exhausted, way beyond measure.

2018/03/01 21:00 Thursday

Am worried about the drive to work tomorrow. The 395 northbound to Stead will likely be icy.

Left early for work today to beat the traffic and the snow. It was smooth sailing the whole way, though, so I got to work quite early. Finished Mark while I was waiting to clock in.

After I had been on Synthroid for a while, I noticed that my attitude toward life had gotten better overall. Googled, and found that depression can be caused by low thyroid levels.

2018/02/28 20:55 Wednesday

Didn't have much time today to contemplate the day having been my Christian birthday, and the events of that day in 1999. Not sure I'm ready for this, but today seems like a fitting day to make a commitment. If the shepherd man wants to talk, and if he contacts me, I'll talk.

2018/02/27 19:10 Tuesday

Watched the webcast again today. The shepherd man asserted that once God has a adopted a person, He never gives up on that person. When writing yesterday's post, I was too tired to remember that. I need to pray about and contemplate some other things he said. Too tired and too emotionally drained to think straight. The pain from my childhood made me very stoic, but now the pain from then feeds my emotions.

Busy day today. Hope kitty woke me up after 11 hours of sleep, and I couldn't get back to sleep. Watched the webcast, then did laps around the park on the fat bike. There wasn't any snow, though. There was still snow in the shaded areas of the apartment complex parking lot, so I thought there might be some at the lake. The goal was one and a half hours, and the actual time was 1:32. Did 16.88 miles. Then I went to Costco to get cat food to donate to NHS, as they are short on cat food, and took it over there. Then I had a haircut appointment. Came home, and wanted to relax, but then I remembered I needed to get sympathy cards, so it was back in the car and over to His Word.

Tomorrow will be my 19th Christian birthday. It was a blessed day. It doesn't seem like that long ago that the shepherd man led me in committing my life to Christ. Last Saturday was the anniversary of another commitment in my Christian walk. I have written about that day in the past, and will do so again during my next "weekend." This year, the anniversary of that day was overshadowed by Chuck's passing. I have thought of it over the last couple of days, though. I didn't follow through on that commitment as I should have, but I did in some ways.

Have to finish getting ready for bed before I collapse.

2018/02/26 17:30 Monday

It took quite some time for me to commit my life to Christ after I started to attend the church to which God had called me. I am thankful that God and the shepherd man didn't give up on me. I hope they still haven't given up on me, even though I don't want to go back to a church.

Listened to the sermon from February 4th today. When the shepherd man got to section 3, at Ephesians 6:12, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood," I thought of Chuck's struggle with leukemia. I might venture to put forth that oftentimes, our struggle is against our own personal, individual flesh and blood.

Not sure about the possibility of transferring down to San Bernardino. I have a support system here. With social media, having a local support system is not as important as it used to be, but it is still important. Chuck's passing has brought that to mind. I think it would be best to shelve the idea of a transfer for now, and maybe for good. I used to move around a lot when I was younger, as a sort of running away from my life as it was. Now, though, I am fragile, and uprooting myself might present too much of a strain.

Didn't do a workout today. Didn't have time.

Read Mark 10-13.

2018/02/25 18:50 Sunday

Almost forgot to post tonight. Have been in a brain fog all day due to the pain. It didn't help that Amy woke me up out of a sound sleep at 7:40am with a call to my cell phone. I ignored it and tried to go back to sleep. She left voicemail, and then soon after texted me. I ignored that too, and kept trying to get back to sleep. She then called my landline. I was a bit grumpy when I answered. I had texted her last night about Chuck's passing and had told her I was devastated, and she was concerned. It was very thoughtful of her. She hadn't seen the text until this morning.

Watched the church service webcast. There was only one minor glitch for a few seconds. It was when the shepherd man was relating quotes from Billy Graham.

Did a one-hour interval ride on the trainer. It wouldn't have been safe for me to have ridden outdoors, and I didn't want to run. Did one hard minute at every five-minute mark. The distance was only 17.21 miles. Probably had the resistance unit a little too tight against the tire.

2018/02/24 20:55 Saturday

Had a really hard blow this evening. My sister called to tell me that her ex-husband passed away. He had a relapse of his leukemia earlier this week, and was taken back to Stanford. He had pulled through many times, but this time he didn't make it. It was a long, hard fight. I really liked him. I'm hurting, and am feeling some anger about the human condition. I know that there have been sermon messages about why people have to experience pain, but the only thing I can recall at the moment is that we live in a fallen world. Am in too much mind-numbing pain to think. I'll look at previous sermon listening guides tomorrow. Will listen to last week's sermon again, also. For now, considering the lyrics of "O' Lord" sung by Lauren Daigle helps some. I am thankful that Chuck was a Christian. His suffering is over.

Definitely won't be going on the club ride tomorrow. I want to be alone to lick my wounds. Will probably ride after the webcast to help myself deal with the pain. Exercise helps me cope. Maybe I should ride the trainer or run, though, as it would be safer. Not sure I would be able to ride safely on the road due to pain-induced brain fog.

2018/02/23 21:10 Friday

Three work days down, one to go. Hopefully, it will be slow tomorrow so I will be able to catch up on some things. Need to get caught up on sleep on my weekend, speaking of getting caught up on things. Utterly exhausted, as usual. Probably won't be up to doing the club ride on Sunday.

Was talking to a colleague in Buena Park today. That is the facility that will be moving to San Bernardino. He said the new facility will be away from the city, and he thinks cycling would be good there. He said that when he and our boss visited, he saw a lot of cyclists at coffee shops. He also said that because it is away from the city, the air quality isn't very bad. Am again thinking about asking for a transfer. Housing costs would be higher, but the overall cost of living is less there than here, according to a website I looked at some time ago. I have roots here, but I hate the winters.

2018/02/22 21:15 Thursday

Two work days down, two to go. Exhausted beyond measure. Am thankful I made it to and from work safely and without mishap despite the nasty weather. I live in Reno and work in Stead. The drive is sketchy in bad weather.

2018/02/21 20:10 Wednesday

Busy all day at work. Am exhausted. The first day back at work is always hard.

2018/02/20 18:45 Tuesday

Did 25.51 miles of laps on the Roubaix Pro at a very slow average speed of 13.8 mph. Had no energy, and besides, the colder it is, the slower I go. The minimum temperature was 28.4 degrees, and the average was 31.5 degrees. The average was skewed, though, as it takes a while for the Garmin to drop its reading from room temperature when I start my ride.

After the ride, I laid down to rest for an hour and a half. Never drifted off to sleep; it was a time of prayer and worship.

There was a cycling club general meeting tonight, but I didn't go. Way too tired, and I didn't really want to spend the time with people who don't share my beliefs, because I was still in worship mode. Too, I wanted to go to REI to pick up some liner socks, and also to read more of Mark. Read Mark 9, and also 2 Peter 1.

I mentioned a while ago that maybe the exhaustion is due to depression that I don't recognize as such. I don't think that is the case, though. I was doing somewhat better for a while, but then I pushed myself hard in the CompuTrainer session after being very tired at work that day, and after that I took a nosedive from which I haven't recovered. Am still hoping the Synthroid will help over time.

2018/02/19 18:45 Monday

An argument can be made that it is God's will for all Christians to be members of a church. On the other hand, an argument can be made that there are extenuating circumstances in my case.

Got to thinking, the "suicide by church gun nuts" approach likely wouldn't work. I would probably get tased by security personnel long before making it into the sanctuary to get shot by the gun nuts who pack at church. Oh, well. It was just a thought. Maybe if I were to show up while people were still arriving, or were leaving, and they were in the parking lot...??? Just kidding, anyway.

Took the fat bike for a spin of laps again today. My goal was 1:30 hours. Did 1:38. The distance was 19.07 miles. The minimum temperature shown on my Garmin was 22.4 degrees. Most of the time, the temperature hovered around 26-28 degrees. Then, right after I got home, Randy from the bike shop called to let me know that a set of pedals I had ordered for the fat bike was in. It seemed easier to get back on the bike and ride over there than to load it into the truck. The round-trip to the shop and back was 4.32 miles.

Had some excitement on the workout ride. Stopped to use the restroom at Lymbery and Eastshore, and when I came out, some guy over by the picnic table was yelling at me to get out of his house. I didn't realize at first that it was me he was yelling at, and I was taking my time to use hand sanitizer and lip balm. Soon I realized he was yelling at me, because when I was putting on my two layers of gloves, which takes some time to get just right, he started yelling at me to get my gloves on and get out of his house. I looked at him, and he yelled at me not to look at him like that. I went a ways down the road to get away from him and called the police. They stopped him and talked to him, but they let him go. After they left, I saw him walking down the street, still yelling, but presumably not at me at that point.

I did follow the pastor's counsel yesterday to rest, but I confess that I probably wouldn't have if I had felt up to doing a trainer ride. I also followed the counsel to take a nap. I laid down to rest for not quite an hour before going to Chili's for a late lunch / early dinner with the downstairs neighbor.

Read Mark 7-8.

Fading fast. Need to finish getting ready for bed and collapse.

2018/02/18 18:00 Sunday

No glitches in the webcast today, thankfully.

I don't have anxieties about much. I have had a lot of disasters in my life, so I am somewhat fatalistic about most things that could happen, such as job loss. When I think about such possibilities, I just quietly and painfully beg God that they won't happen. As I noted yesterday, though, the thought of meeting up with the pastor sends me into a panic. Thankfully, it isn't likely to happen, although it did happen once. He was on the phone, and he kept walking and didn't interrupt his conversation other than to say hello, so I didn't have to interact with him, thankfully. Don't know what I would say if I did have to. I know I would freeze. That sense of panic is something I should give over to God, even though it is unlikely I will ever see the pastor again this side of heaven.

I don't have anxieties about the thought of attending a church, because that is not going to happen. I am essentially transgender, and the gender role expectations in churches would make it very counter-productive for me to attend one. I would be on guard against those who would try to force me into a female mold, and that would distract me from my relationship with God. It happened before, and it is reasonable to assume it would happen again. It might even make me suicidal again, like it did before.

The pastor's introduction today made me think of something just now. If I ever decided to kill myself, I could do a form of "suicide by cop" by showing up at a church service and brandishing a realistic-looking toy weapon. Hopefully I would be shot to death instead of just being tased.

Having said all that, I will also say that I am thankful to be able to watch church service webcasts and to listen to audio of the sermons. The sermons have words of wisdom.

2018/02/17 19:00 Saturday

Another busy day at work. Now it is my weekend, thankfully. Probably won't be able to ride tomorrow, if the forecast for stiff winds holds true. Maybe I'll ride the trainer, or maybe run, or maybe just rest.

The sermon from February 4th still hasn't been posted, unfortunately. Maybe it won't ever be.

Stopped by His Word on the way home and picked up a CD by Lauren Daigle that has "O' Lord" on it. Had a moment of panic when I got out of the Crosstrek. It occurred to me that the pastor probably shops at His Word. It would have been quite a coincidence if he had been there, but the panic that grips me at the thought of seeing him isn't exactly rational. It is conditioned by all that happened and by my being blindsided.

Listened to a couple of songs, but am too tired to listen more tonight. Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2018/02/16 20:00 Friday

Another busy day. At least the time passes quickly at work because I am always so busy. Three work days down, one to go.

2018/02/15 20:25 Thursday

Busy day at work today. Am bushed. Worse, I have to be at work at 6am tomorrow instead of my new normal time of 7:30am. I will be working 6am-4:30pm the next two days, and will be the only one in IT there. The guy I usually work with, who usually works that time schedule, will be off work.

2018/02/14 20:25 Wednesday

Had trouble falling asleep again last night. Got to thinking, what happened could have been handled differently at the start. I have taken the position before that it should have been, given that I was clearly suffering from a mental illness. However, once the wheels were in motion, we had to do what we had to do. And what is done, is done. I apologize to the pastor for the BCCs, and ask for his forgiveness. Again, I would not have done the BCCs if I had been in my right mind. I forgive the pastor for not handling it differently from the start. Today, it has felt like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and I have felt closer to God than I have in a while. I don't know where we might go from here. Maybe just maintain the status quo.

There is a song that strikes chords in my soul. It is "O' Lord" and is sung by Lauren Daigle.

2018/02/13 17:10 Tuesday

Had trouble falling asleep last night. Was in some turmoil from the sermon. The pastor asked those who had been hurt by a church to find grace in their hearts to forgive. As I was laying in bed, I asked God for His grace and to help me to have grace in my heart. I think that may be a key to resolving the problem of the hard edge to my soul.

I am not always conscious of the pain and bitterness, but the hard edge is omnipresent in a way. It seems like I can be cheerful (for lack of a better word coming to mind) in my head, but not my heart, except when interacting with my cat or a friend of mine whom I hung out with a lot when I lived in Tulsa. I love my cat, and I love my friend Jim. He is happily married, though, so I do not express that love to him.

I think I would go so far as to say that I have forgiven the pastor and the church. "Forgiven" isn't quite the right word, though; I accept fully that what was done, had to be done. Along those lines, in the strict definition of the word "grace," it isn't that I need to find grace in my heart toward the pastor and the church. "Unmerited favor" doesn't apply.

I hope the pastor has forgiven me. I hope he understands that I was not in my right mind due to mental illness, or I would not have BCC'd people on the emails I sent him. Also, I probably wouldn't have walked out of the accountability session and away from the church. I was taken aback that others were there in the session, but I think I still would not have walked out had I been in my right mind. Walking away from the church is perhaps another matter, though. When I walked out of the accountability session, I knew I was walking away from the church at the same time.

I felt pressure from some people in the church, especially from the woman who was the church secretary at the time, to be something I could not be. She told the pastor and me that I needed to be in sessions in which I would be held accountable by women, and she also told me that I needed to worship more and read the Bible less. However, reading the Bible is a form of worship for me, and trying to force me into a female mold is impossible. The pressure I faced at the church made me suicidal and made me start cutting on my wrists, which I confided to the pastor. Much to his credit, he was not part of the element that made me feel suicidal. I greatly appreciated his guidance, in sermons and in individual meetings. I greatly appreciate that he led me in dedicating my life to Christ.

Today, I listened to the sermon from January 21st. It may help. I need to bear its wisdom in mind. I wanted to listen to the one from February 4th, as the webcast failed during that sermon, but the audio has not been posted.

Was too tired to do a workout today. Did laundry after the doctor's appointment. Thought about running, as it would not have taken as long as riding, but just couldn't muster up the strength or energy.

Read Mark 6.

Off to finish getting ready for bed. Am so tired I can't think straight.

2018/02/12 17:55 Monday

Had kind of a rough day. Slept about 12 hours, but it was restless sleep. I have been taking two capsules of a sleep aid every night, but last night I decided to try just one. Guess I do need to take two.

That wasn't the only thing that made it a rough day. I again listened to the sermon entitled, "Shepherding the Flock of God." The part in which the pastor asked for forgiveness from people who have been hurt by churches dredged up painful memories. I wouldn't say that I hold anything against the pastor or the church, but what happened did add to the pain and bitterness that have permeated my soul since childhood and that I have not been able to purge. Furthermore, because I do not identify as a female, and gender roles are rampant in churches, I will never attend any church again.

There are other sermons I would like to listen to, some again, and some for the first time. The webcast stopped working on a couple, and it would do me good to listen to last Sunday's sermon again, especially the part about being "mended." There just aren't enough hours in the day when sleeping 12-14 hours a night.

I did a much-needed ride today to help overcome the pain of the memories. It was a short ride; my goal was only one hour, but I went ahead and did an hour and a half of laps. Rode the fat bike in case there was still snow on the road. It was 30 degrees, give or take half a degree, for most of the ride. I was dressed for the weather, though, so I was fine. The distance was only 16.93 miles. The fat bike is a very slow bike. It has 4.6" knobby tires.

Off to finish getting ready for bed. Have an endocrinolist's appointment in the morning, so I will need to get up early.

2018/02/11 18:50 Sunday

What looks like a "p" in Greek is actually a lower-case "R." In heading 1, the pronunciation in parenthesis showed it as a "P." It wasn't even close.

When I watched the webcast starting late this afternoon, there weren't any glitches, thankfully. There were bittersweet moments. The message was inspiring, but I do still have a hard and bitter edge to my soul that makes it hard for the sermon messages to penetrate.

Was too tired to get up in time for the club ride this morning, even though it didn't start until 11am. I can't eat until one hour after I start taking medication. I take the Synthroid, wait 30 minutes, take the Prilosec, wait 30 minutes, and then I can eat. I had an alarm set for 7:45, and wished I hadn't, because it woke me up from a sound sleep and I was exhausted. I have turned off the Sunday alarm. If I wake up early enough to do the club ride and I feel up to it, I will do it, if not, I will ride when and if I feel up to it.

Did do a ride today, but didn't meet the goal of 25+ miles. Did 21.19 miles of laps on the Sirrus Expert. Rode that bike because I wanted to test the shifing more thoroughly, and because I was so tired that I was concerned I might crash. Would rather crash on it than on the Roubaix Pro. Averaged only 12.6 mph. Was taking it very easy, and also, the wind started coming up at about 10 miles. The wind is the reason I quit before reaching the goal. When I stopped, the accuweather app was reporting the wind speed at 28 mph with gusts of 37 mph.

Am hoping to sleep late tomorrow. I need more sleep than I have been getting.

2018/02/10 20:15 Saturday

It was slower at work today, so I was able to get caught up on some things. When I got home, I finished the e-file process on my taxes. Will be getting a decent return. Might put it towards a new bike. If I do, I will sell another one of the bikes I already have. Not sure if I will do the club ride tomorrow. The KTVN app is showing a prediction of 41 mph gusts, and besides, I might be too tired. Will see how I feel in the morning and what the wind is like close to ride time. Right now, I am so tired my head is spinning.

2018/02/09 21:20 Friday

Another non-stop day at work. Can't keep up this pace. Am hoping tomorrow will be a slower day so that I will be able to get caught up on some things. Am exhausted beyond measure. Almost fell in the shower a couple of times because of the balance issues I have when tired. Have almost fallen other times this evening also, but that isn't as bad as almost falling in the shower.

2018/02/08 20:35 Thursday

Two work days down, two to go. Have been on the go non-stop both days. Am hoping to have time to get caught up on some things during the next two days. We are getting behind on things.

2018/02/07 21:00 Wednesday

Exhausted beyond measure. My head is spinning, I am so tired. Got the apartment halfway presentable, though. Hope kitty is hiding out due to the vacuuming.

2018/02/06 20:25 Tuesday

Woke up after only about nine hours of sleep, which wasn't enough. Also woke up in a state of depression. Didn't really feel up to riding, but I did it anyway. Riding didn't really help this time, but caving in to the depression would just have made it worse. It may have been as bad as it was because I didn't get any exercise over the last two days.

Rode the Sirrus, in part because I wanted to see if some work I had done on it yesterday had solved a problem with shifting. It didn't, so I took it in for additional work, which seems to have solved the problem, based on a short test ride I did. The ride was 25.45 miles. Averaged only 13.2 mph. Maybe the ride would have helped the depression had I pushed myself, but I just didn't feel up to it.

Back to work tomorrow. Wanted to get to bed earlier, but had to straighten up the apartment some. Maintenance will be changing the heater filters throughout the complex on Thursday and Friday. Will need to vacuum tomorrow after work. Hope kitty won't like that.

2018/02/05 20:10 Monday

Too tired to ride again today. Am still holding out some hope that the Synthroid will eventually help, though. Am thinking the Prilosec I take 30 minutes after taking the Synthroid might be hindering the Synthroid.

Went to the cycling club board meeting this evening. I was given a hand-made sympathy card signed by some of the club members. That was appreciated. The woman who made the card is a club member, and she makes beautiful cards.

The woman who was shot and killed near UNR worked where I work. I knew who she was, but I can't think of any time when I had spoken with her other than to say hello in passing a few times.

Had a blood draw this morning, so I couldn't sleep in. Am hoping that I won't wake up early tomorrow.

2018/02/04 17:15 Sunday

Have been exhausted beyond measure all day. Too tired to do much of anything, but I did apply online for a job at Patagonia. Way too tired to ride, even on the trainer. Never even got out of my pajamas. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to ride.

Tried to watch the webcast. There were some glitches, and then it stopped altogether. The spinning wheel came on, and then it reverted back to one of the slides from the music time (or maybe it was the very beginning of the webcast).

Read an article on that was about a doctor who wrote a book putting forth that adverse childhood events can cause long-term health problems. Maybe the effects of the trauma of my childhood and the trauma of my legal problems are causing my health to fail.

After being up for only ten hours, I am off to finish getting ready for bed.

2018/02/03 20:10 Saturday

Was utterly exhausted at work, and ended up drinking too much caffeine. That made me slightly nauseous. Went to the bike shop for the CompuTrainer sessions after work. Got there early and ended up joining in on a session that was already in progress, and then did an entire session. Couldn't do the second one I was signed up for. Was just too tired. The mileage I did was 29.08 miles. Not sure if I will be able to do the club ride tomorrow. Depends on what time I wake up and how I feel. Right now I am feeling exhausted and woozy.

2018/02/02 20:55 Friday

Made it through the work day. Am exhausted beyond measure, but have to be at work at 6am and will be getting home late. I will be leaving work at 3:30pm and going to do two CompuTrainer sessions at a bike shop to benefit a local cycling non-profit. Not sure I will be up to doing both classes. For that matter, I probably won't be able to keep up in even one.

2018/02/01 17:30 Thursday

Slept about 13 1/2 hours last night, and woke up only a few times. Now, after being awake for only nine and a quarter hours, I am utterly exhausted.

Didn't feel up to riding today. Was concerned that I wouldn't be alert enough to ride safely, as I have been in a state of fog from depression all day. Did do a run of four laps around the park. I believe that should be about four miles, but my Garmin watch said it was 5.42 miles. It doesn't have a GPS, so that makes me question its accuracy even more. Maybe if I end up running more often, I will get a Garmin watch that has a GPS. Or, more likely, I will use the Strava app on my iPhone. I ran at a very slow pace. It is discouraging that I am very much slower when running than I used to be.

Wanted to listen to the sermon from January 14th again, but am too tired. Off to finish getting ready for bed.