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My purpose is to live for Christ alone.

13bForgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
- Philippians 3:13b-14 (NIV)

For beautiful the prize, and great our hope.

2017/08/15 18:35 Tuesday

I am very worried about Hope kitty. Took her to the vet this afternoon for her yearly exam, and it turns out that she has lost about a pound since last year. I had thought she might have been losing weight, but her collar hadn't gotten looser, so I thought I was probably imagining it. The vet took blood and urine samples, and will call me tomorrow with the results.

Did a ride this morning. Did 20.04 miles of laps on the Sirrus Expert. Averaged 13.8 mph.

Spent a lot of time today changing email addresses for various sites and email notifications. I get about 500 spam emails a day, so I am going to eliminate the addresses that get the spam. Also, I am not going to keep the domain.

Read Ezekiel 36.

2017/08/14 19:20 Monday

Did 20.17 miles of laps on the Sirrus Expert. Averaged 14.1 mph.

Trump finally bowed to the pressure to condemn white supremacists, but methinks he did it only because of the pressure, not because it was the right thing to do.

Still mulling over the food for thought from the sermon. Got into a dispute with a neighbor who was parked in my assigned spot on Saturday when I got home from work, and am trying to keep the sermon in mind concerning the dispute. It should be over now, though, as the apartment manager is handling it. As to loving life in Christ, I don't know why God cursed me with female anatomy, but I suppose I am going to have to learn to deal with it.

Read Ezekiel 35.

2017/08/13 16:10 Sunday

Too tired to ride, and too tired to read. Slept over 12 1/2 hours, laid down to rest for over an hour after the webcast, and now, after being awake for less than seven hours (including the time when I was resting), I am going back to bed.

Much to digest from today's sermon.

2017/08/12 20:25 Saturday

Finally made it to vacation time.

2017/08/11 21:00 Friday

Three down, one to go.

2017/08/10 20:35 Thursday

Two work days down, two to go.

2017/08/09 20:20 Wednesday

One work day down, three to go, and then ten days off work. Once again, I will be spending much of my vacation time trying to get caught up on things I haven't had the time or energy to take care of on my days off because of the exhaustion. Would like to have down time just to read and relax, but it isn't shaping up that way.

2017/08/08 18:50 Tuesday

Had trouble falling asleep last night, and then woke up early. Couldn't get back to sleep. Unpleasant thoughts about life kept me awake. Slept only about nine hours.

Despite being very tired, I rode. Did 20.1 miles of laps on the Sirrus Expert. Took it very easy. Averaged only 13.3 mph.

Spoke with the endocrinologist yesterday evening. All of the labs were within the normal range. The thyroid levels were on the low side, but they typically are for me. I have tried thyroid supplements in the past, and they didn't help. Don't know where to go from here.

The pastor's comments in the last sermon about the woman who is transitioning to a man reminded me of my own situation. I do not identify at all as a female, and with every fiber of my being, I loathe having female anatomy. In prayer, I often confess to God that I loathe being what he made me, and ask for forgiveness for that loathing. I would undergo gender reassignment, except that I would feel like an imposter, and worse, I fear that God would be displeased. Having female anatomy is a cross I have to bear, and I admit that I do not bear it well. If my being female were to last throughout eternity, I implore God that when I die, I will be granted absolute and eternal oblivion instead of eternal life. That is how much I loathe being female. In this life, my being female cannot be fixed, at least in my current way of thinking. Maybe it would be better, though, to undergo gender reassignment than to live with the desire to kill myself to escape this body, which is the way it stands now. As to submitting to God in the matter, the best I can do is ask for His forgiveness for loathing what he made me.

Read Ezekiel 34. The rebuked shepherds of Israel remind me of Trump.

2017/08/07 20:45 Monday

Was in bed for 15 hours last night. For the first hour or so, I was only half-asleep, but was asleep the rest of the time. This is no way to live.

I did ride today, though. Did 20.07 miles of laps on the Sirrus Expert. Averaged 13.6 mph. Then I rode the Sirrus Elite to Costco with the trailer. That round-trip was 4.83 miles.

Had a cycling club board meeting tonight. Asked a board member who moved to Reno from Southern California a few years ago what San Bernardino is like nowadays. She said it is congested and smoggy. I'm thinking it would be best for me to stay here instead of asking for a transfer. My manager and I did not discuss the possibility when he was here, so I suppose I will just let it go. The Southern California facility is actually in Buena Park right now, but will be moving to San Bernardino in about a year. I wouldn't have wanted to transfer until after the move anyway.

Read Ezekiel 33.

2017/08/06 16:15 Sunday

Thankfully, I was able to ride after the webcast. Was very much out of steam by the time I finished. Rode 20.2 miles of laps on the Sirrus Expert. Wanted the stability of that bike, and also, it has fenders. Didn't get rained on, though. It only sprinkled while I was riding, and only did that a few times very briefly.

The sermon today struck chords in my soul. Myself, I do need to learn to submit much more fully to God. Also, I agree with the pastor that there are things that just can't be fixed by people. I will be listening to the sermon again when it is posted.

Too tired to read. Have been awake for only about seven hours after sleeping about twelve hours, but I need to get to bed very soon. I hope there isn't more thunder, as that would keep me awake.

2017/08/05 20:10 Saturday

The work week is over, thankfully. I don't hold out any hope that I will be able to ride before the webcast tomorrow, but maybe I'll feel up to riding afterward if it doesn't rain too hard.

2017/08/04 20:00 Friday

Today went a little better. Got some things done, but had to deal with some people who talked on and on but didn't say much. Thus, I didn't get as much done as I would have liked.

One more work day, and then will come my weekend. It is only a three-day weekend this week. My vacation time is coming up soon, though, thankfully.

2017/08/03 20:40 Thursday

Today was one of those days when I had a lot of trouble getting it in gear at work, in large part due to fatigue. Starting work at 6am is hard, and 12-hour days are very hard.

2017/08/02 18:30 Wednesday

The day got off to a bad start. After I had slept for about 13 1/2 hours, Hope kitty woke me out of a sound sleep by vomiting on the bed.

Did 20.09 miles of laps on the Sirrus Expert. Didn't trust my balance well enough to ride a road bike. Was taking it easy due to the typical fatigue. Averaged 13.6 mph. At least I rode.

Just as I was riding out of the parking lot, my sister texted me needing information about the bike rack she was getting ready to buy. It is the same as the one I have. We ended up texting for over half an hour, so I kept having to stop to read her texts and to reply.

Two more work weeks, and then I will be off work for ten days. The cycling club's annual picnic will be on Saturday the 19th, and I will be taking that day and the week starting the 13th off. I will start work again on the 23rd. I won't be doing any of the rides at the picnic, due to my health issues. I will be driving SAG if necessary. I don't know where the term "SAG" comes from, but what I will be doing is picking up anyone who can't finish their ride for whatever reason. There has never been a need for that in the past, but I suppose it could happen, and the president of the club thinks it is a good idea to have a SAG wagon available.

Read Ezekiel 32.

2017/08/01 16:20 Tuesday

Just realized I didn't change the day of the week in yesterday's post. Have corrected that.

Wasn't able to ride today, either. Too tired. One reason is that I had to get up (relatively) early (at 7am) to finish a cortisol test. Another reason is that I had a dental appointment for the seating of a crown and for a filling. The stress of having dental work done wears me out. One good thing came of it; I was chatting with the hygenist, and she pointed out that if I had chronic fatigue syndrome, I would feel worse after riding, not better. Sometimes I do feel worse, but up until about 14 months ago, I always felt better after riding.

It is still the afternoon, but I am too tired to function, so I might as well go to bed. Maybe I will feel up to riding in the morning.

Read Ezekiel 31.

2017/07/31 19:20 Monday

Didn't ride today. Am undergoing a cortisol test, and didn't want to skew the results by exercising.

Read Ezekiel 30.

2017/07/30 16:10 Sunday

Another strange coincidence. On Friday, I wrote that I was thinking that God must hate me, and then today, during the sermon, one of the points was that we are dearly loved by God. That had to have been in the sermon listening guide before I wrote on Friday that God must hate me, although the SLG had not been posted by then (and still hasn't been posted). Today's service changed my perspective on some things, and confirmed what I thought on some other things.

Slept about 12 hours last night. Would have slept longer, but I had an alarm set. Good thing I did, or I would have missed the church service webcast. Even with the alarm being set, I hit snooze and went back to sleep for about 45 minutes after it started going off.

Was too tired to ride today. Too tired to read, also. It is early, but I am going to go to bed very soon. Have been up for only about six hours, but am just too tired to function.

2017/07/29 19:45 Saturday

Made it through the work week, somehow. Things went more smoothly today, thankfully.

Am hoping to wake up early enough to ride before the church service webcast. Probably won't happen, though.

2017/07/28 20:50 Friday

Three work days down, one to go. Today was probably the worst day I have ever had at my current job. Was the only one there in IT, and was printing media almost all day due to there being a big sale. That wouldn't have been that big of an issue, except one of the production printers was having a hardware problem. Two wheels in the fuser area came off, and so it was limping along until the printer tech could get there in response to my service call. Had trouble loading forms, and had various other issues. Was thinking that God must hate me. Will be the only one in IT again tomorrow, and the sale will still be in progress. Am hoping that things will go more smoothly.

2017/07/27 20:25 Thursday

Two work days down, two to go.

2017/07/26 20:40 Wednesday

One work day down, three to go.

2017/07/25 18:30 Tuesday

I'm not sure why the key word for last Sunday's sermon was "sacrificing." Toward the end of the sermon, the pastor made note of Jesus' sacrifice, and stated that it would cost something to live in light, not darkness. Other than that, the word didn't seem to fit.

Also on the subject of last Sunday's early service, it was concerning that the soloist's hands were shaking badly while he was singing. I hope he doesn't have health problems, but it appears that he does.

Hope kitty woke me up early this morning and wouldn't let me go back to sleep. Just as well, I guess, as I had a lot to do today.

Did 20.3 miles of laps. Rode the Sirrus Expert, as I wanted the extra stability because I was so tired. Took it easy. Averaged only 13.6 mph. Then I rode the Sirrus Elite to Costco with the trailer. The round-trip was 4.92 miles.

Read Ezekiel 28.

2017/07/24 18:15 Monday

Slept about 15 hours last night, and after being awake for less than 10 hours, I need to go back to bed.

The doctor ordered tests, but didn't seem to hold out much hope that he would be able to help me. He mentioned a doctor at Tahoe and a clinic at Stanford that deal with chronic fatigue syndrome.

Did 20.18 miles of laps on the Roubaix Pro. Averaged 15.5 mph.

The downstairs neighbor irritates the living daylights out of me. Just needed to get that off my chest.

Too tired to read again tonight.

2017/07/23 16:55 Sunday

It was hard to drag myself out of bed in time for the early service webcast, but I managed to do it. I think I like hymns better than the contemporary music; at least, I liked today's hymns.

Thought about skipping the party today and just going back to bed. Decided against that, and then had to decide whether to ride or drive to it. Went ahead and rode. It was only 8.87 miles round-trip.

Will be seeing the endocrinologist tomorrow. Am hoping he will be able to help me with the fatigue.

My boss from Buena Park will be in Reno this coming week. Will probably discuss with him the possibility of transferring down to Southern California. There would be pros and cons.

Too tired to read. Off to get ready for bed.

2017/07/22 20:50 Saturday

Made it through the work week. Today's workload was comfortable again.

Will watch the early service webcast tomorrow, and then head to the cycling club's Yellow Jersey party. As usual, I will have the role of photographer.

2017/07/21 20:15 Friday

The pace at work was slower today, even though I was the only one there in IT. I stayed busy enough that the day went by quickly, but not too busy. One more work day to go, and then it will be a three-day weekend.

2017/07/20 20:50 Thursday

Yet another busy day at work. No end in sight, either... At least being busy makes the 12-hour days go by quickly.

2017/07/19 18:00 Wednesday

Had trouble falling asleep last night; was too tired to sleep. Then, Hope kitty woke me up at about midnight wanting to be petted; I suspect that she has bad dreams at times and just needs to be reassured that she is safe and her human loves her. She was a stray before NHS took her in to their shelter.

Because I was so tired this morning, I wasn't sure it was a good idea to ride. But, being stubborn, I did so anyway. Instead of riding a road bike, I decided on the Sirrus Expert hybrid. The flat handlebars are wider than on a road bike, which helps with stability. The tires are a bit wider, too, which also helps. Didn't realize that the air quality was terrible until I walked down the stairs with the bike. Took it easy, in part because of the smoke, and in part because I was tired. At about 14 miles, my sinuses started feeling inflamed. Stopped at about 16 miles and blew my nose, which helped. When I got home, I flushed out my sinuses with nasal spray. Thankfully, they are doing okay now. Did 20.17 miles of laps at an average of 13.4 mph.

Read Ezekiel 27.

2017/07/18 21:05 Tuesday

Did 20.31 miles of laps on the Roubaix Pro at an average speed of 15.1 mph. The last five miles or so, I was struggling with not being very alert, but I wanted to finish the ~20 miles.

There was a cycling club general membership meeting this evening. I saved the day. When I walked in, very early, the presenter's laptop wasn't displaying the video through the projector. I changed the display resolution on the laptop, and that fixed the problem.

I think I'll compromise this Sunday. I'm leaning toward going to the club party, but watching the early service beforehand. I'll then check to see if the sermon from the late service is posted, and if it is, I'll listen to that, too.

Forgot to read before the meeting. Too tired to now.

2017/07/17 17:45 Monday

Was in bed by 4:15pm yesterday. Spent the next three hours half-asleep, and then was awake for about 30 minutes. Finally fell asleep soundly after that. Dragged myself out of bed at about six o'clock AM so that I would be able to ride before a dental appointment.

Did 20.27 miles of laps on the Roubaix Pro. Averaged only 14.7 mph. Was taking it easy because I was quite tired.

Upgraded my Linux box from Fedora 25 to Fedora 26. It went off without a hitch, thankfully.

Read Ezekiel 25 and 26.

2017/07/16 15:55 Sunday

Slept about 14 hours last night. Woke up just in time to make coffee and eat before the webcast.

A disadvantage of watching church service webcasts is that sometimes parts are missed. At the end of today's service, while the pastor was giving the invitation, the livestream stopped for a time and then restarted. It did the same in the closing prayer. Also, at the beginning today, the stream didn't start until the associate pastor was speaking of the visitor cards. Quite often, too, the stream stops and doesn't restart while the pastor is giving the closing prayer. There are sometimes problems with the stream stuttering and stopping at random times, also.

I have a conflict. The pastor said that next Sunday's sermon should not be missed. However, I was planning on going to the cycling club's Yellow Jersey party next Sunday at about 11am to take photos. I could always watch the early service, but it seems the late service is longer, which means more content. Or, I could just listen to the sermon when it is posted, but it seems that the early service is the one that is usually posted. I wouldn't want to miss anything, given what the pastor said about not missing the sermon. Maybe I'll skip the party.

I suppose that as a brick, I am useless because I am not part of a wall. Maybe if I transfer down to Southern California I will attend church. Probably wouldn't transfer until mid-to-late next year, though. The existing facility in Buena Park will be closing to move to San Bernardino, and I wouldn't want to move twice, once to BP and then to San Bernardino. Nor would I want a long commute at any time.

Tried to ride today. Was planning on taking it easy, but still doing the ~20 miles. However, when I started riding, I realized it was too windy for me to ride. I used to ride even when it was quite windy, but with my current balance issues, riding in the wind is even more risky. Rode only two laps, and the distance was only 3.25 miles. Was really too tired to ride anyway.

Have been awake for only about 5 3/4 hours, but am so tired that I will be going to bed as soon as I brush my teeth and take out my contacts.

Too tired to read.

2017/07/15 19:50 Saturday

Made it through the work week. I think I have managed to fight off almost completely whatever my coworker and I were coming down with. I hope he was able to fight it off also, especially given that he is on vacation.

2017/07/14 20:20 Friday

I seem to be fighting off whatever the illness is fairly well, and I have been giving thanks for that. I still have some aches and pains, but at least it isn't too bad.

One more work day, and then four days off.

2017/07/13 20:55 Thursday

Exhausted, as usual, but it gets worse. My co-worker showed up today not feeling well, and whatever he has, he gave to me. My body aches and I am woozy. To make it worse, I will be working alone until August 3rd starting tomorrow afternoon, as he is going on a trip to Europe.

2017/07/12 21:10 Wednesday

Had trouble falling asleep last night. Getting to bed late tonight, in part because I forgot to read the news while on a break at work. Just can't get enough sleep during the work week.

2017/07/11 19:00 Tuesday

Ran an errand this morning, so I didn't ride until the afternoon. Thus, I will be getting to bed much later than I would like. Did 20.1 miles of laps on the Roubaix Comp. Didn't want to ride the Roubaix Pro in case I were to crash. I didn't crash, but the ride didn't start out well. After riding about a quarter mile, I stopped at a stop sign and almost fell over. Averaged only 13.6 mph. Rode very slowly, in part because it was very windy, and in part because I didn't want to wear myself out. Have a four-day work week starting tomorrow. That might not seem like much, but the work days are twelve hours long, and my health is getting worse.

Read Ezekiel 24.

2017/07/10 18:55 Monday

Rough night last night. Someone's car alarm kept going off intermittently starting at about midnight. After an hour, I called RPD to see if they could locate the owner to do something about it. The noise continued. I don't know what time the intermittent noise finally stopped, but I'm guessing it was around 5am. I turned on the floor-standing air conditioner in my bedroom, and that drowned out the noise, but I kept setting the off timer for an hour because I kept getting cold even under a blanket.

Was way too tired to ride today due to the noise disturbance overnight. Did a lot of errands. Hopefully I will feel up to riding in the morning. Wanted to be in bed much earlier, but was too busy.

Read Ezekiel 23.

2017/07/09 16:45 Sunday

Too tired to ride today. My health just keeps getting worse and worse. Have an appointment with an endocrinologist on July 24th. Maybe he will be able to help.

Have been awake for only about 8 1/2 hours, but am just too exhausted to function. Off to get ready for bed.

Read Ezekiel 22.

2017/07/08 17:35 Saturday

Did 20.22 miles of laps on the Roubaix Pro at an average speed of 15.7 mph. That bike is awesome.

Finally got around to doing laundry. Did five large loads.

Had trouble falling asleep last night, and then slept until about 8:30am. Am tired, so it is off to get ready for bed. Maybe I'll be able to ride before the church service webcast tomorrow. It will be quite warm afterward.

2017/07/07 19:50 Friday

Frustrating day. Slept until nine o'clock, but was still too tired to ride. Ran some errands. Was at His Word buying greeting cards, and thought of the song "Same Power." Picked up the Jeremy Camp CD that it is on. The good thing is that it was on sale for only $5.00. I could rant about the frustrations of the day, but will spare the reader.

2017/07/06 20:10 Thursday

Seems strange that today was my last workday for the week but tomorrow isn't Sunday.

The day started out slow, but then I ended up being very busy the rest of the day.

2017/07/05 20:10 Wednesday

One work day down, one to go. Then I will have five days off. I will be the only one working in IT tomorrow, so I may end up earning those five days off. The fix I put in last week for the new hire onboarding was tested today and worked fine. That was a good thing.

2017/07/04 17:25 Tuesday

Rode laps on the Roubaix Pro today. That wasn't such a good idea. At least I didn't crash, thankfully. The ride started off badly; more than once, I shifted the wrong direction. That is, I meant to downshift, but shifted up, or vice versa. Auto-pilot just wasn't working very well. Worse, I was having balance issues. Quite a few times when I waved at people, I was very unsteady with only one had on the bars. The distance was 20.18 miles and the speed was 15.4 mph.

The balance issues have been even worse since the ride. My legs are very unsteady. Am thankful that I didn't fall in the shower.

Read Ezekiel 21.

2017/07/03 20:40 Monday

As I was getting ready for bed yesterday, something else that was said in the sermon came to mind. The pastor related that his cardiologist had said to him that the only way to be kind and helpful is to be truthful. He didn't say what the cardiologist told him after that. That is worrisome.

Had trouble falling asleep yesterday evening. Felt too tired to sleep. Then I woke up after sleeping for a couple of hours and couldn't get back to sleep. It occurred to me that perhaps I had forgotten to take my Hammer Nutrition REM Caps sleep aid. Got up and checked my pill case. All its days were empty, which meant that I had forgotten to take them and also my meds. I always fill it on Sundays before taking that day's pills. The exhaustion is making me drop the ball on some basic things.

Have been having twitching in the elbow that was injured when I was hit by the dude on meth. I think it is a bursa.

Between the trouble sleeping last night and this morning's root canal, I was too tired to ride today. Made it through the cycling club board meeting. The drive to and from the meeting was rather nerve-wracking, though, due to the exhaustion.

Read Ezekiel 20.

2017/07/02 16:40 Sunday

Am exhausted beyond measure. Was yesterday, also.

Part of today's sermon was strange for me. Yesterday, my boss from Buena Park called to talk to me about something, and I told him that I had been halfway thinking about asking for a transfer down to Southern California. Then, today's sermon said not to flee. Strange timing.

Rode 20.06 miles of laps on the Roubaix Comp. Averaged only 14.3 mph. Was taking it very easy due to the exhaustion. For the last few miles, I was feeling quite "out of it." Was glad I was riding the Roubaix Comp instead of the Roubaix Pro. As I have mentioned before, I wouldn't want to risk crashing on my best bike.

Too tired to read. Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2017/07/01 19:40 Saturday

Made it through the work week. Now I have three days off, thankfully. Will be busy. Have a root canal appointment and the cycling club board meeting on Monday. On Tuesday, I have to do a lot of laundry. Am supposed to have lunch with Amy this "weekend," too, but I think I will reschedule.