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My purpose is to live for Christ alone.

13bForgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
- Philippians 3:13b-14 (NIV)

For beautiful the prize, and great our hope.

2016/12/07 20:10 Wednesday

My sleep was very restless last night. Whatever is wrong with me hit me hard. I hardly got anything done at work today because I felt so awful. I don't want to call in sick, though, because I don't want to give up my overtime. I think the problem stems from dealing with cigarette smoke two nights in a row. First, the holiday party was in a casino banquet room, and of course the smoke from the casino filtered in. Then, at the board meeting, there was also cigarette smoke. The meetings are at a restaurant that has slot machines in the entryway, and the smoke drifts into the meeting room. I have congestion in my chest, an unproductive cough, and a massive headache. Took Tylenol earlier today, and Aleve tonight. Neither has been very helpful. I stopped by Walgreen's on the way home and got some expectorant. Hopefully that will help with the congestion and cough. Too tired to read.

2016/12/06 18:45 Tuesday

Feel as though I might be coming down with a cold. I haven't had a cold in years. Forgot to read again today until it was too late to focus. Have to work tomorrow. Should have been in bed already, but got into the shower later than I wanted.

2016/12/05 20:20 Monday

Had a cycling club board meeting this evening. Ran errands on a bike earlier today. Strung up one strand of Christmas lights on my balcony. Have two more to string. Forgot to read earlier today, and am too tired now.

2016/12/04 21:30 Sunday

It was really scary driving to and from the airport last night, as I was too tired to function.

Really like the imagery of Jesus riding on the wind. I also really like the imagery of the wind of the Holy Spirit blowing in us. I like wind imagery, even though I'm not fond of the physical wind because it makes it hard to ride. I did really like the hot, dry winds in the Southern California desert where I grew up, though.

There is a soft spot in my heart for my cat. When it comes to people, though, my heart is closed off. When I try to let down my defenses, I am overwhelmed by pain. The same holds true for my relationship with God.

Went back to bed after the church service webcast. Made it through the cycling club party and the drive home. Almost got hit going through an intersection, as a moron didn't maintain his lane and came all the way over into my lane.

Didn't make the time to read today. Was too tired to focus anyway.

2016/12/03 19:30 Saturday

Made it through the work week and the drive home, somehow. I'm going to go to bed for three or so hours, and then get up and drive to the airport to pick up the downstairs neighbor. Too tired to read.

2016/12/02 20:35 Friday

Got home later than usual again tonight. There was a wreck on the freeway that had traffic backed up for miles. I was headed southbound on the 395, coming home from Stead. There were wrecks both southbound and northbound at the same place. Don't know if a vehicle went over the divider as part of a crash, or if someone going southbound was looking at the northbound crash, which looked worse than the southbound, and crashed because they weren't paying attention to their driving. Then, a mile or so after getting past that crash and thinking it was smooth sailing the rest of the way, I passed another crash.

Too tired to read yet again.

2016/12/01 21:25 Thursday

Almost forgot to post. Am so tired I'm shaky and my brain feels strange. Had to work 30 minutes late tonight. Then, when I got home and checked the mailbox, two pieces of mail belonging to someone in apartment K10 were in my mailbox. I live in F10. I had to figure out where building K was. Way too tired to read. Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2016/11/30 20:20 Wednesday

Too tired to read. Am about to pass out from exhaustion.

2016/11/29 17:55 Tuesday

Wanted to get to bed earlier, but life gets in the way of sleep.

Earlier today, I thought I might be able to ride outdoors, but by the time I had gotten done with various things, which was about 1pm, I was having vertigo problems and exhaustion again. Did a one-hour interval workout on the trainer instead. The distance was 18 miles even.

Read Jeremiah 7.

2016/11/28 17:25 Monday

Haven't been awake for even nine hours, but am so tired I'm heading for bed.

Did a one-hour interval ride on the trainer. Had heart palpitations for the first few miles. Didn't push myself due to being so tired. The distance was 17.74 miles.

I have sometimes begged God for mercy and healing. It hasn't helped. Maybe God considers me to be disobedient, or maybe He just doesn't see fit to heal me. He hasn't seen fit to heal some others on my prayer list.

Read Jeremiah 6.

2016/11/27 17:35 Sunday

Too tired to think about what to write. Read Jeremiah 5. Am thankful for church service webcasts, as I would not ever want to attend any church again.

2016/11/26 20:05 Saturday

Made it through the work week and the drive home, somehow. Too tired to read. Am about to collapse.

2016/11/25 20:05 Friday

Just realized the cycling club holiday party is a week from this Sunday, not this Sunday. That works better for me, since I will be getting up fairly early to meet my sisters for coffee this Sunday morning.

Too tired to read. Doesn't make sense to go ahead and read if I am too tired for the words to register.

2016/11/24 21:10 Thursday

One more work day down, and two to go. Then, on Sunday, I will be having coffee with my sisters before the church service webcast. One of them lives in El Paso, but is here visiting. The other lives here. Also on Sunday, there will be the cycling club's annual holiday party. It will start at 6pm, which is later than the party usually starts. In the past, we have started at 4pm, but this year we will be having it at a different venue, and they had a conflict in timing.

Am so tired that I am staggering badly. At least I didn't fall over in the shower. Too tired to read.

2016/11/23 21:05 Wednesday

Had to pick up a prescription after work, and then stopped for gasoline. Then placed an online order with Hammer Nutrition. They are having a sale. I normally buy Hammer products from Eclipse Running, but I ordered some things that Eclipse doesn't carry, such as a gear bag and a thermal cycling jersey. Am exhausted. Too tired to read. Have to work tomorrow. Will get paid double time, and will get to bank 10 hours of time off to take in the future, also.

2016/11/22 19:15 Tuesday

Had another one of those stupid "coaching" calls from Cigna this evening. What a waste of time. Because of it, I will be getting to bed much later than I would like. Am exhausted, and I have to start work at 6am tomorrow.

Read Jeremiah 4.

2016/11/21 19:15 Monday

Went to an orthopedists' office this morning. Had an appointment with a PA there. I have an inflamed bursa on my right elbow from when I was hit. The PA prescribed a topical cream.

Read Jeremiah 3.

2016/11/20 18:45 Sunday

At work yesterday, I had a great idea, if I may say so myself. I created a shortcut to the sharepoint site that the LP guards were having trouble figuring out how to access. I used a script to put it on all their desktops on the five Windows servers, and put it on the public desktop of the PC they use at the front desk. No more having to help them bookmark the page. I don't know why none of us in IT thought of that sooner.

After the church service webcast today, I went to a cycling club event. We did a cleanup of a stretch of Mayberry that is part of a very busy cycling corridor. We have "adopted" that stretch through KTMB. Today was our first cleanup, and it went very well. My role was to drive up and down the stretch in my truck to pick up full trash bags and provide additional bags. Most people used five-gallon buckets and trash picker-uppers, and then dumped the trash into bags. I had a bucket and a picker-upper, but since I wasn't picking up trash, I let someone else use them.

Too tired to read. Waited too late to do so. Got tied up with odds and ends. Am so tired now that I am woozy.

2016/11/19 20:05 Saturday

Somehow made it through the workday and the drive home. Am too exhausted for words. Way too tired to read.

2016/11/18 20:00 Friday

Was given pause about something at work today. There is a department called Loss Prevention, and the security personnel are in it. As a rule, the security personnel are not the sharpest knives in the drawer, to put it charitably. They very frequently need help with very basic things on the computer systems, even if they have already had those things explained to them. We in IT don't have time to help them create favorites in their browsers and so forth, but that is the sort of thing they call us for. Today, I was in the LP manager's office helping him with something, and one of his associates asked me to help him create a link to a sharepoint site later. I told him how to do it, and he looked confused but said "ok." After he left, I said to the manager, "Your associates are not at all computer literate." He replied, "And that is why they have the jobs they have." I suddenly felt sorry for them, and said to him, "That is a very good point." Hopefully keeping that in mind will help me to have more compassion for them when they ask for help with the basics.

Too tired to read tonight, again. One more work day, and then I have three days off. We will be working four days during our normal three-day weeks for the next few weeks due to the busy season. It will be hard, but it will be nice to have the extra overtime money.

2016/11/17 20:40 Thursday

Thought I would get a reprieve from dealing with the downstairs neighbor while she is out of town. No such luck. She is still calling me every day to chat. Drives me batty.

Made it through the work day, the drive home, and the shower without passing out from exhaustion. Can't make it much longer, though. Too tired to read.

2016/11/16 20:40 Wednesday

Made it through the work day and the drive home. Am exhausted beyond measure. Too tired to read tonight.

2016/11/15 18:35 Tuesday

Have to go back to work tomorrow, much to my dismay.

It will be good to have a break from interacting with the downstairs neighbor while she is out of town. She irritates the daylights out of me. She is very chatty.

Did a one-hour interval ride on the trainer again today. The distance was 18.46 miles. Was having heart palpitations almost the whole time. Don't know why.

Read Jeremiah 2.

2016/11/14 18:30 Monday

Have to drive the downstairs neighbor to the airport early tomorrow morning. We will be leaving here at about 4:40am. I should be in bed already.

Did a one-hour interval ride on the trainer. The distance was 18.34 miles. Felt woozy during the ride. Have been having balance problems again today, including during the ride. Felt better for a while after the ride, but then started feeling worse.

Read Jeremiah 1.

2016/11/13 18:25 Sunday

Was sorry to hear that Reno's volleyball team didn't win State.

I have already had a great fish sent my way. It was called "incarceration." Hopefully there will never be another great fish in my life.

Read a story online about a cyclist named Amber Neben. She spoke of her faith. She had a very bad crash in 2013, and almost retired from competition. While she was recovering, she prayed a lot and read a lot of Scripture. In the article, she stated that she decided to return to competition when she read Luke 5:1-11. She said, "Basically, there was a fisherman who had been fishing all night long. He was done with fishing, and Jesus told him to go back out. For me it was like OK, I'm ready to be done, but I can make a big big push to go back out." Myself, I'm ready to be done with life, and I don't know if I can make a big push to go back out, whatever that might entail.

Finished Isaiah.

2016/11/12 17:15 Saturday

My Linux box has frozen again a couple of times lately. Yesterday afternoon, I noticed that when it froze the optical mouse's red light wasn't lit. That could point to a motherboard or power supply problem. However, given that it didn't freeze for quite a while after I replaced the hard drive, I am thinking that maybe there has been an overheating issue due to dust. I dusted out the inside of the case with canned air when I replaced the hard drive. I dusted it out again this morning. I don't vacuum the carpet as often as I should, so maybe dust is the issue. It wasn't all that dusty this morning, though. I will be more diligent about keeping the case dusted, and I have installed a temp sensor program and will keep an eye on the temps.

The bombastic buffoon is going to destroy the environment. That is bad enough in its own right, but it will also cause health problems for many, many people.

The only thing that keeps my death wish from being at 100% is that I wouldn't want my cat to be orphaned. The only thing that gives me anything even remotely akin to pleasure in this life is to interact with her. Cycling used to, but with my health having deteriorated so badly, cycling has been taken away from me.

Read Isaiah 65.

2016/11/11 18:25 Friday

Read some of the comments under the You Tube video that shows how to get the inner-ear particles back in place. One read, "There are disorders of the ear that result in permanent confusion and cognitive deficits." I wonder if my brain fog has been caused by inner ear problems, and if getting the vertigo problem solved will solve the brain fog.

Felt some vertigo when I laid down in bed last night. Was having balance problems again this morning. Followed the steps in the video again. Felt better for a while, but then nausea struck again. It has eased, but only somewhat, and I am having vertigo and balance issues. I'm wondering if I have knocked loose some particles but they haven't yet gotten back to where they should be.

Correction, just for the record: The helmet I was wearing when I was hit wasn't just a good one; it was a high-end one. It was a Giro Aeon. At the time I bought it a few years ago, it was Giro's top of the line, and Giro is one of the top helmet manufacturers. The Giro Synthe MIPS helmet I have now is their current top of the line.

Last Sunday, the pastor said not to cross your arms and say, "I'll do it, but would rather die." I then wrote just that. I don't think I will ever be in a position of being asked to return to any church, though, so in a sense it was only rhetorical.

Read Isaiah 64.

2016/11/10 18:00 Thursday

Have been following the blog of a guy who fractured his skull in two places when he crashed a bicycle at about 30 miles an hour. The moron wasn't wearing a helmet. He has raced bicycles for many, many years, and unlike virtually all serious cyclists nowadays, he only wears a helmet when he is required to. Myself, I miss feeling the wind in my hair when riding, but that feeling isn't worth the risk of not wearing a helmet. I had a concussion from hitting my head hard on the road when I was hit, but if I hadn't been wearing a helmet, it would have been much worse. And if my Giro Synthe MIPS helmet had gotten here a few days earlier, I might not have had a concussion. The helmet I was wearing was a good one, but it wasn't MIPS-equipped. MIPS is a new technology that helps dissipate rotational forces.

Anyway, the point of all that was that when reading his blog and the comments today, I found out that there are particles in the ear that can be displaced and cause vertigo. Someone posted a video by an otolaryngologist on how to get the particles back in place. I followed the instructions, and was nauseous for a few hours afterwards. However, after the nausea wore off, my balance issues seemed to have improved. Will see how I feel tomorrow, and might follow the steps again. I'm a little peeved that my ENT hasn't tried anything like that to treat the vertigo. She hasn't done anything other than run tests.

Didn't ride today, even on the trainer, because of the nausea. Hopefully I will feel up to riding tomorrow, if only on the trainer.

Read Isaiah 63.

2016/11/09 17:10 Wednesday

I can't believe the bombastic buffoon has been elected president. He is dangerous for our country and for the world, and he will have the nuclear codes. The only possibility that bodes well is that he may do something that motivates Christ to return and rapture His people. I feel a greater reliance on Christ this morning due to the results of the election. We will need God to be in direct control more so now than ever.

Did a one-hour interval workout on the trainer. The distance was 18.29 miles. Am still having balance issues, even on the trainer. When I take one hand off the handlebars to take a drink or wipe my face with a towel, I feel unsteady. When I walk, I am unsteady.

I don't even feel comfortable driving anymore. I just don't feel as alert as I should be. I don't know if that is due to the concussion or to my ongoing health problems.

Read Isaiah 62.

2016/11/08 19:05 Tuesday

Had a chiro appointment this morning. It should be my last one, if all goes well.

Got a call from my health insurance company, Cigna. They picked up on some minor note from the chiro saying that I had lower back pain, and now I have to have three "coaching" calls from them. I explained to them that I had whiplash in my neck, that any lower back pain I had was minor and was gone, and that I had been released from treatment by the chiro. Even so, I have to have three "coaching" calls, but it doesn't even have to have anything to do with my back. What a waste of time. I am fed up with Cigna. They don't cover my 3-D breast imaging, even though I have a family history of breast cancer and have dense breast tissue. They don't cover my orthotics. And now I have to have three "coaching" calls or have a $50 monthly surcharge taken out of my paycheck.

Was getting ready to take a nap when Cigna called. After speaking with them, though, I was so irritated that I figured I wouldn't be able to rest. Decided to do a trainer ride even though I was very tired. Did a one-hour interval workout. The distance was only 17.31 miles. Wasn't up to pushing myself. Also, I was having balance issues.

Would like to stay up until the election is called, but am too tired.

Read Isaiah 61.

2016/11/07 19:55 Monday

Got up early this morning to shower before a podiatrist appointment. Went back to bed after the appointment. Then went to a dental cleaning and checkup appointment. Then had a cycling club board meeting. Am about to drop from exhaustion. Too tired to read.

2016/11/06 16:55 Sunday

Last night, I dreamt that I sent one person to the church to be led to Christ, and took another one there for that purpose. In the dream, as in reality, the pastor and I had not had any contact since the legal disaster. When I took the person to the church, we stopped the pastor as he was entering, and I explained to the pastor that the person wanted to be led to Christ. He took the person into the church, and that was the end of our interaction.

My writing about the exhaustion could be considered complaining, but I suppose I write about it because my existence is dominated by it. My existence should be dominated by my relationship with God, but in truth, it isn't.

I am like Jonah in some ways. For example, if it were to be presented to me that it was God's will for me to return to the church, I would do it, but I would rather die. I recall one Sunday in particular when I was leaving the church, my suicidal desires were very strong. Nothing in particular had happened to trigger that; being in church was just weighing heavily on me. I do not fit in at churches. I loathe being female, and in churches, the gender-based expectations are crushing for me. When I told the pastor in a meeting that I had left church feeling suicidal, he said something was very wrong if I had left church feeling that way. Not much else was said about it, as far as I recall. I think he was too taken aback to know what to say.

Too tired to ride today. Have been in bed most of the day. Too tired to read, also. Tried to just now, but couldn't focus. Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2016/11/05 19:55 Saturday

Made it through the work week. Was so exhausted at work today, I thought about calling someone to come pick me up so I wouldn't have to risk driving home from work, but I didn't want to inconvenience anyone because the trip is about 15 miles each way. Had a coffee energy drink at about 3pm, and then a Zipfizz at about 4:45pm. Decided to go ahead and drive home.

Too tired to read.

2016/11/04 21:05 Friday

Too tired to read. Am exhausted beyond measure. One more work day, and then I have ten days off. Ended up taking most of my vacation time toward the end of the year due to having to postpone time off earlier because someone got a job elsewhere.

2016/11/03 20:00 Thursday

Too tired again tonight to read. Too tired to shower, also. Oh, well.

2016/11/02 20:40 Wednesday

Almost forgot to post tonight. Am too tired to think. Too tired to read tonight.

2016/11/01 17:45 Tuesday

Too tired to ride again today. Too tired to drive, for that matter. Have to go back to work tomorrow. Don't know how I will make it through the day.

Listened to the sermon today. It seems strange to me that a pastor would make fun of a death wish.

As tired as I have been lately, my death wish may come true given that I will have to drive to and from work.