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My purpose is to live for Christ alone.

13bForgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
- Philippians 3:13b-14 (NIV)

For beautiful the prize, and great our hope.

2016/06/26 16:55 Sunday

Am exhausted beyond measure. Didn't even think about doing a workout today. Had insomnia last night, and then was barely able to drag myself out of bed in time for the church service webcast. After the webcast, I laid down to rest for an hour and a half or so. This is no way to live. I just want to die, and to have eternal and absolute oblivion. Too bad I'm too much of a coward to off myself. Too bad the woman in San Diego who made suicide kits was arrested before she sent me the one I ordered.

Am thankful to be able to watch church service webcasts. Had to turn down the audio during the singing, though, as women's voices grate on my nerves like fingernails on a chalkboard. As to the possibility of my ever contacting the pastor or anyone else in the church, the pastor may rest assured that will never happen. Even if it would not entail the risk of getting into legal trouble again, it would serve no purpose, as far as I can see, and it would be exceedingly painful for me, not to mention the fact that I would likely drop dead of fright at interacting with him. I will never "get over" what happened. It caused too much trauma, and it added exponentially to my inability to trust people, which was already entrenched by my childhood. Because of what I have been through in my life, my soul is a wellspring of pain and bitterness. That is incurable.

Am at Psalm 56. Psalm 55 was especially poignant.

Off to bed.

2016/06/25 20:25 Saturday

Thankfully, it is now my weekend. It is just a three-day weekend, unfortunately. I was the only one in IT at work today, which was fine because that gave me work to do throughout the day. We have to print media for the warehouse every two hours. That is something I haven't had to do all that often, but obviously since I was the only one there I had to do it. It didn't keep me busy all the time, but it did help make the time pass better.

Why do children have a need to be so noisy? I despise them for that.

Read Psalm 50.

2016/06/24 20:35 Friday

It was a really slow day at work today. The time passed excruciatingly slowly. I am burned out from being at work. When I am busy, I don't think about it all that much, but when it is slow, I just want to escape. Speaking of wanting to escape, I want to escape life.

Am at Psalm 50.

2016/06/23 19:35 Thursday

Another busy day at work. At least it makes the time go by faster.

Am so exhausted I am about to collapse.

Read just Psalm 47.

2016/06/22 17:10 Wednesday

It was about ten o'clock by the time I got to bed last night, and then I woke up at a little after 8am. Have been utterly exhausted all day. Was too tired even to ride the trainer.

Am at Psalm 47.

Off to bed.

2016/06/21 21:30 Tuesday

Had bad insomnia last night. That happens when I don't eat much during the day. Am wondering if that could be caused by diabetes. I left a message for my doctor on the patient portal, and he had his staff mail me orders for tests.

Rode to a hair appointment this morning. That round-trip was 5.87 miles. Then did laps around the lake. My goal was 20 miles, but only made it 15.91 miles. Came home and laid down to rest for an hour and a half, then after a while I rode to the cycling club meeting. That round-trip was 7.42 miles. Went to the meeting early, and wished I hadn't. A woman pulled up a chair across from me, and she was a know-it-all about my health issues. I wasn't in the mood for conversation in the first place, and putting up with her was more than I could take.

Am at Psalm 40.

2016/06/20 18:10 Monday

Was in bed for 15.5 hours last night, and was asleep for most of that time. Was still tired today. Am wondering if it was a coincidence that my health took a nosedive about the time I ate a lot of gluten-containing food for the celiac disease test. Either it was a coincidence, or I am still going through withdrawal from gluten. I have read that withdrawal can take several weeks, and it has been only about a month since I went completely gluten-free. From what I have read, one may feel worse when going through withdrawal than when eating gluten.

Was able to ride today, but was still in a fog that made it somewhat unsafe to ride. Did only 20.05 miles of laps at an average speed of only 13.3 mph. Then I rode to the bank, and after that took the BoB trailer to Costco. The total mileage for the transportation rides was 6.84 miles.

Read Psalms 36 and 37.

2016/06/19 16:35 Sunday

Tried to do a ride today, but didn't get far. I had thought 20 miles or so would be a reasonable goal, and was hoping maybe to do 25. However, I misjudged how tired I was. By about three miles, I knew I was too tired to make 20, and was hoping to do 15, but thought perhaps even that was unrealistic. Only managed to hold on to do 10.62 miles. I was too tired to ride safely. I was unable to stay focused and alert, and even had moments of confusion.

My balcony faces a common area, and the pool is at the other end of that area. Unfortunately, children playing in the pool are very noisy. I hate the noise children make. It really gets under my skin.

Paid bills this morning. Am making progress at cutting down my credit card debt.

Read just Psalm 35. Am too tired to read more. Off to finish getting ready for bed.

2016/06/18 20:25 Saturday

Wasn't sure I would be able to make it home from work safely, due to the exhaustion. Did make it through the work day and the drive home, though. Prayed I would make it home safely and without mishap, and gave thanks when I did. Am looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow and then watching the sermon webcast. Am hoping to feel up to riding tomorrow, also.

Am at Psalm 35.

2016/06/17 20:00 Wednesday

Was busy at work today, but the pace was slower. Wasn't juggling as many things at once as I was the last two days, and managed to get caught up on some back-burner things.

Am exhausted beyond measure. Read only Psalm 33. Too bushed to read more.

2016/06/16 20:25 Tuesday

Today was another swamped day at work. Worked 9.5 hours non-stop before having time to take a break. Again, it made the day go by fast.

Slept better last night than I have been, but still, didn't have time to sleep long enough to get enough rest.

Am at Psalm 32.

2016/06/15 20:10 Wednesday

Was swamped at work today. At least it makes the day go by fast.

Had insomnia again last night. Groan.

Am at Psalm 30.

2016/06/14 18:00 Tuesday

Today is the 18th anniversary of the first day I attended the church from which I am in exile. Time flies. Bittersweet memories.

Had a mammo appointment this morning, so I had to drag myself out of bed early again. Rode to the appointment and then to the polling place. By the time I got home from there, the wind was gusting at 28 mph, so I didn't want to do a recreational ride. Was too tired to do a workout anyway, either on a bike or running. Had trouble falling asleep again last night, and again, had trouble falling asleep after one of the hot flashes.

The USPS is supposed to deliver a package to me by 8pm. I simply cannot stay awake that late. Am about to drop from exhuastion already. Hopefully they won't deliver it today after all. I'm going to be in bed by 6:15pm.

Am at Psalm 27.

2016/06/13 18:15 Monday

Was too tired to ride again today. Had trouble falling asleep yesterday evening, and also had trouble falling asleep after one of my hot flashes. Barely managed to drag myself out of bed in time to have coffee before the doctor's appointment. After the appointment, I did research for tomorrow's voting. Then I laid down to rest, setting an alarm for 45 minutes. Didn't manage to get up until a couple of hours had passed. Wouldn't have gotten up then, but loud and obnoxious children playing in the pool woke me up. I have an intense dislike of children.

Had a routine medication management appointment with the psychiatrist this afternoon. Then I went to Costco.

Am at Psalm 19.

2016/06/12 17:20 Sunday

In the church service today, the pastor prayed for protection for himself and his church. Myself, I pray for protection from the pastor and his church. It is clear from what I write that I watch their church service webcasts, and sometimes I fear that will land me in legal trouble given the past history. I assume that the pastor, and perhaps others, read what I write herein. I very frequently give thanks that my legal troubles are over, and pray that I will never be in legal trouble again. I also very frequently give thanks for my sanity, and pray that I will never go insane again.

In his review today, the pastor skipped a point that he made in last Sunday's sermon. The point was, "Your place in ministry will sometimes change." Last Sunday, in the late sermon, he said something to the effect that some people had had difficult situations occur in churches where God had released them from, and that he was sorry that had happened. Perhaps that was a veiled apology to me, and perhaps not. Regardless, I am sorry about what happened, its being caused by mental illness notwithstanding.

Didn't ride today. Was too tired to ride safely. Was too tired even to ride the trainer or go for a run. After the church service webcast, I laid down to rest for a little over two hours. Am still trying to recover from the bad insomnia I had Tuesday and Wednesday nights, and the fact that I don't get enough sleep on work nights. And, of course, waking up during the night due to hot flashes makes it worse. I wonder if the hot flashes would go away if I were to undergo gender reassignment. It is a moot point, though, as I assume that God would consider it a sin, and besides, I would feel like an imposter.

I was supposed to be off work June 4th and 11th, and the 23rd-25th. However, not only did the guy who was on the same shift as I am quit, but also, the warehouse cut the two positions they were paying for in IT. They were paying two people to do the printing of media used by the warehouse. So much for having a nice month of a lot of time off. The reason I was going to take the 23rd-25th off was because of the ride I mentioned herein a while back. I could probably swing getting the 25th off, but I wouldn't want to do the ride with having to work the two days before it, due to not getting enough sleep on work nights.

Am at Psalm 16. Psalm 15 describes what I would like to be.

Off to finish getting ready for bed. Am tired, and have to be up early tomorrow morning for a doctor's appointment.

2016/06/11 20:45 Saturday

Thought the work day would never end. Caught up on some things that needed follow-up. However, I wasn't very busy, and that made the day go by slowly.

Read Psalm 10. Am too tired to read more.

2016/06/10 19:50 Friday

Had some trouble falling asleep last night, but slept soundly once I did fall asleep, with the exception of being awakened by two hot flashes. (Have I ever mentioned that I loathe being female?) Didn't get to sleep long enough, though. One more work day, and then I get to sleep late on Sunday.

Am at Psalm 10.

2016/06/09 21:25 Thursday

Had a bad case of insomnia again last night, and am getting to bed late tonight. Am pushing my limits.

Read Psalms 4 and 5. Psalms stir my soul.

2016/06/08 16:45 Wednesday

I think I have figured out why I was so anxious yesterday about being clipped in with both feet. I took a "Super B Complex" vitamin yesterday morning. Yesterday evening, when I went to bed, I realized that my heart rate was way too high. That got me thinking as to what I had done during the day that could have caused it. The only thing I could think of was the vitamin I had taken for the first time. I hardly slept at all, and at one point, I got up and did some google research, and I read a number of comments from people who had anxiety attacks when taking B-complex vitamins.

Because I hardly slept at all last night, I was really too tired to ride, but I was being stubborn and did so anyway. I was hoping to be able to do 30+ miles, but by the time I had ridden three miles I was thinking I might only be able to do 15. I actually considered doing only ten, but again, I was being stubborn, and ended up doing 25.32 miles at an average speed of 14 mph. Unfortunately, I crashed at about 21 miles. I was going up the hill on Eastshore heading for Lakeside, and saw a pedestrian entering the crosswalk. That happens often enough that I am typically prepared for it. However, that time I kind of blacked out and didn't unclip. I think I hit the brakes, also, even though I had plenty of time to stop mainly by losing momentum on the hill. I think I was paying more attention to praying than to riding, but I really don't know for sure what happened. In any case, I went ahead and did three more laps to hit 25+ miles, and wasn't afraid to clip in, thankfully.

Read the first three Psalms. I really like Psalms.

Off to get ready for bed. Am exhausted.

2016/06/07 19:45 Tuesday

Today's ride was not good at all. Rode 30.65 miles of laps on the Roubaix. Averaged only 14.1 mph, which is slow for a road bike. Part of the reason the average was so slow was because I was taking it easy, but part was because my pedaling was inefficient because I rode with my right foot unclipped the whole way. Every time I clipped in, I panicked and unclipped again right away. Maybe it was partly because I am not used to the Roubaix, but that hasn't happened before when I ride it after not riding it for a while. After I got home, I got on the trainer and practiced pedaling while clipped in and also practiced unclipping. Then I got back on the bike and did 8.5 miles of laps while clipped in most of the time. I went slow and just focused on riding clipped in without panicking. Had planned to do 10+ miles, but was too tired to continue safely.

Finished Job.

2016/06/06 20:50 Monday

Had a good ride today. Did 25.32 miles of laps on the Sirrus at an average speed of 15.2 mph. It wasn't all that windy for most of the ride, although there was a headwind on Eastshore after about an hour of riding. Was able to go around most of the slow-moving traffic. Will try for 30+ miles tomorrow.

Tonight was the monthly cycling club board meeting. Rode there and back. It was a 7.45-mile round trip.

It goes without saying that I would be terrified if I were to be in legal trouble again, but I would also be terrified if anyone from the church were to contact me.

Am at Job 32.

2016/06/05 20:10 Sunday

On the one hand, today's sermon was a true blessing, but on the other, it left me in pain and terrified. Trust comes hard.

Did 25.26 miles of laps on the Sirrus. Am still not up to getting back to doing 36-mile rides. Averaged only 13.7 mph. Was having a problem with my left knee. At about a mile into the ride, all of a sudden I started having excruciating pain in it, and could barely pedal. After about another mile, it finally subsided. Still took it easy, though, out of concern that the pain might come back. Didn't feel like pushing the pace, anyway. Just wasn't up to it, either psychologically or physically.

Am at Job 20.

2016/06/04 20:50 Saturday

Am thankful that it is my weekend. This week is a four-day weekend.

Am at Chapter 13 of Job.

2016/06/03 20:20 Friday

Had to work a little late this evening. A job failed at work, and I had to coordinate between the local Packing department and the home office guys who were working on fixing the problem. Thankfully, I didn't have to stay too late.

While reading Job this evening, I came across the word "loathsome." I've been spelling it "loathesome," which I discovered is incorrect.

Am at Chapter 10 of Job.

2016/06/02 21:00 Thursday

Read one more chapter of Job.

2016/06/01 20:40 Wednesday

Had about 1200 emails waiting for me when I got to work this morning. Didn't have time to even look at them until about noon, though, as I was busy working incidents until then. Finally got through them before I left, but there are several still needing follow-up.

Had planned to take the next two Saturdays off, but will be working them after all because of the co-worker whose last day is this Friday. Am hoping to be able to take June 23-25 off still.

Read the first four chapters of Job. I can relate to having difficulties in life.

2016/05/31 19:00 Tuesday

Have to go back to work tomorrow. Would that I were independently wealthy and didn't have to work.

It was scary driving home last night because I was so tired. I wasn't concerned about the possibility of falling asleep at the wheel, but I was too tired to be as aware of my surroundings as I should have been to have been driving. Was too tired to sleep by the time I got to bed. It was after 11:30pm by the time I fell asleep. Then I woke up at a little after six this morning because of a cursed hot flash and couldn't get back to sleep. Laid there for over an hour trying to sleep and finally gave up and got out of bed.

Stupid me, I tried to do a ride today despite being exhausted. Figured I would do a short ride of not quite 16 miles. Realized right off the bat that I was too tired to ride safely, but I was already in my kit and on the bike, so I kept going. Figured I would risk it for at least ten miles. Did 10.59 miles of laps on the Sirrus. There were times when I didn't remember getting from point A to point B, and wasn't sure how I got to point B without being aware of how I got there. Averaged only 13.0 mph.

Finished Esther.

2016/05/30 21:20 Monday

Still don't know what to say about the "echo" illustration.

Did 25.34 miles of laps on the Sirrus. Averaged 14.5 mph.

Amy and Randy had me over for a birthday dinner this evening. They gave me a gift certificate from the shop. That is much appreciated. Dinner was great; Amy is a fantastic cook. However, we ate much later than planned. I was too tired to drive home safely by the time I left. Was praying hard that I would make it home safely and without mishap. Gave fervent thanks when I made it home.

In today's reading, I finished Nehemiah and read the first two chapters of Esther.

2016/05/29 19:20 Sunday

Almost had my Internet and landline service cancelled. The credit card I used for auto-payment had expired, and even though I received a new card, I had not updated the expiration date in the auto-payment settings. Just wasn't thinking.

Had a rough night again last night. Finally got up at about 5am. Did laundry before the church service. After the service, I went to Costco. This was the last day for the May coupons, and there were some things on coupon that I wanted to get. Don't like doing chores on Sundays, but my vacation time is running out.

Did 25.34 miles of laps on the Sirrus. Averaged 14.1 mph. It was fairly windy, there was quite a bit of very slow-moving traffic, there were pedestrians who crossed the road in front on me without even looking, and there were stupid pigeons that didn't get out of the road. Besides, I was taking it easy, as I was very tired. Wasn't sure I would be able to finish the ~25 miles that was my goal, but I managed to hold on and finish.

Read two chapters of Nehemiah.

2016/05/28 19:20 Saturday

Slept about 12 hours last night. Slept well, except for awakening from the hot flashes a few times. Being female is a loathesome condition, and not just because of hot flashes.

Did 25.36 miles of laps on the Sirrus. Averaged 14.9 mph.

Read the first eight chapters of Nehemiah.

2016/05/27 19:30 Friday

Didn't sleep well again last night. Had trouble falling asleep when I first went to bed. It was over an hour before I finally drifted all the way off to sleep. Then I laid half-awake for about an hour after one of the hated hot flashes. Had another one at about 5:30am, and finally got up at about 6am after not being able to fall back asleep. Have been doing surprisingly well today, though. It seems the gluten-free diet is already helping.

Did 25.25 miles of laps on the Sirrus at an average speed of 15.1 mph. There was some wind, but it wasn't too bad. Got stuck behind slow-moving traffic fewer times than usual. Felt better than I have for weeks, thankfully. Will do ~25 miles again tomorrow. Don't want to increase my mileage too fast.

There is a ride I am signed up for on June 25th. It is one of the rides at the Alta Alpina Challenge. There are a lot of different distances to choose from. Last year, I signed up for the 37-mile ride, but the Challenge was cancelled because of the fires. The club that organizes the ride gave the entrants entry to this year's Challenge instead of giving refunds, so I am signed up for this year's. Don't know if I will be able to do the ride, though, for two reasons. First, I don't know if I will feel up to it by then. However, based on today's ride, I am hopeful that I will. Secondly, I don't know if I will be able to take the time off from work. I am scheduled to have the week off that week, but the guy who has worked the same shift as I do gave his notice on Wednesday. Presumably, they will move a third shift Tech 1 to days, but I don't know if whomever it ends up being will be ready to work alone by then.

Read Ezra.

2016/05/26 18:35 Thursday

Had a $10 off birthday coupon for Squeeze In. Took the downstairs neighbor there for breakfast this morning. Laid down to rest for a little over an hour after that. Didn't sleep well last night. As usual, I woke up quite a few times because of hot flashes. Had trouble getting back to sleep afterward a couple of times. Oh, how I loathe being female, and everything about being female.

Felt a little better on the ride today. It was windier than yesterday, but not as windy as the day before yesterday. Got stuck behind slow-moving traffic even more than usual. Did 20.04 miles of laps on the Sirrus at an average speed of 14.3 mph. Might try for ~25 miles tomorrow.

I don't know what to say about the "echo" illustration in last Sunday's sermon.

Finished 2 Chronicles.

2016/05/25 17:40 Wednesday

Happy 56th birthday to me. Birthdays mean little to me, though. Good thing, as neither of my sisters even bothered to text me a happy birthday. The downstairs neighbor gave me a bird bath, which was nice. Amy and Randy were going to have me over for dinner, but Amy had to have a medical procedure on short notice, so we will reschedule.

Did some more research on gluten withdrawal. Something I had read before was that ingesting gluten can result in opiod-like reactions in the brain, and eliminating gluten can cause withdrawal from that as well as other withdrawal issues. I had read that withdrawal can last a few days. Because it has been more than a few days since I cut out gluten, and I am still feeling very bad, especially when riding, I did more research. I read that withdrawal can take a few to several weeks, and it can take up to six months before gluten-intolerant people really start feeling better on a gluten-free diet.

Felt a tad bit better on today's ride. Did 15.87 miles of laps on the Sirrus Expert at an average speed of 14.2 mph. Early on, I thought about trying for 20 miles, but by the time I was at about 11 miles, I started feeling wool-headed again.

Am at Chapter 33 of 2 Chronicles.

2016/05/24 16:55 Tuesday

Rode to Costco with the bike trailer this morning before the rain started. It was a 4.79 mile round-trip. After the rain stopped, I did 15.81 miles of laps on the Sirrus. Averaged only 13.2 mph. Just didn't have it in me to go any further or faster. Am fed up with being exhausted all the time. My health is worse than ever.

Read Chapter 23 of 2 Chronicles.

Off to bed.

2016/05/23 18:55 Monday

Took two bikes to the bike shop this morning. Had the chain, and the cable and housing on the rear derailleur, replaced on the Roubaix. It now shifts well. As to the Sirrus Expert, they temporarily clamped the fender stay down until they can get a new one.

Today's ride was a little better than yesterday's, but not much. Did 15.86 miles of laps on the Roubaix. Felt like my head was full of wool, as it has on the last few rides. Averaged 14.6 mph without trying, though, which was better than yesterday's 13.5 mph.

After the ride, I did four large loads of laundry. Glad to have that out of the way.

Am at Chapter 23 of 2 Chronicles.

2016/05/22 16:45 Sunday

Paid bills this morning. Am making progress at cutting down my credit card debt. However, I did something stupid. I forgot that I would need to pay June's rent out of my most recent paycheck, and didn't leave enough in my checking account to cover it. Thankfully, I realized that, and transferred money from my savings account. Forgot to pay the power bill, also.

My health is worse than ever. My goal was to ride at least 20 miles of laps, but was too tired to ride even that far safely. Rode only 15.89 miles at an average speed of only 13.5 mph.

Slept about 12 hours last night. Have been awake for only eight hours, but am so tired that I am going to bed now.

Read 2 Chronicles 19.

2016/05/21 20:35 Saturday

Much to my dismay, my vacation may need to be rescheduled.

Read 2 Chronicles 18.

2016/05/20 20:00 Friday

It snowed heavily for a while in Stead today, but it didn't stick.

One more day of work, and then comes my vacation.

Read up to 2 Chronicles 18.

2016/05/19 20:50 Thursday

Two more work days, and then I will be on vacation until June 1st.

Am at 2 Chronicles 15.

2016/05/18 20:10 Wednesday

Am utterly exhausted. Got to bed late last night because of the cycling club meeting.

Read 2 Chronicles 10.

2016/05/17 16:10 Tuesday

Was in bed for about 15 hours last night. Don't know how much of that time I was actually asleep, though. Was laying there half-asleep for part of that time.

Did 15.89 miles of laps on the Roubaix. Averaged only 13.8 mph. It was windy and I was very tired. Was too tired to continue safely. Had hoped to do at least 30 miles, but just wasn't up to it. Besides, the rear derailleur isn't shifting right, and the chain dropped twice while I was downshifting on the front derailleur. Will be taking it in on Monday for a new chain.

After the ride, I laid down to rest for an hour and 15 minutes. However, Hope kitty didn't let me rest much. She wanted attention, and I don't have the heart to ignore her or try to make her leave me alone.

Will be riding to and from the cycling club meeting this evening. Am hoping it won't be a long meeting. Tomorrow is a work day.

Read up to Chapter 10 of 2 Chronicles.

2016/05/16 17:40 Monday

Was on bikes a lot today. Started off the day by riding to and from a doctor's office for an annual exam. Then rode to and from a grocery store. Did those errands on my Specialized Sirrus Elite. After that, I started doing laps on my Specialized Sirrus Expert. However, before long, the stay that holds the rear fender in place broke. Rode home for a total of 4.2 miles on that bike. Then I took off to ride more laps on my Specialized Roubaix. Did 15.82 miles on it. Averaged only 14.1 mph. It was windy, and I was tired. After that, I rode to College Cyclery to pick up some tires for the Roubaix. Specialized is having a buy one, get one free sale on some of their road bike tires. The total transportation mileage was 10.2 miles.

When the pastor introduced himself during the church service yesterday, it reminded me of his having spoken of critical incident stress debriefing years ago.

Will be taking vacation time after next week. Am looking forward to that. Won't be going anywhere, but it will be good to have time away from work.

Am at 2 Chronicles 7.

2016/05/15 17:30 Sunday

I called a coworker this morning, and thankfully, there really wasn't a problem with the server. It just took a much longer time than I expected for a password change to propagate out. I had thought the change would be essentially immediate. That there wasn't a problem was an answered prayer. Even so, the fact that I went through the stress of thinking I had caused a server problem has left me in a state of pain tinged with bitterness. I really, really just want my life to be over.

The downstairs neighbor wanted some prints made of a photo of her sister who passed away. I offered to print them for her if I could get my photo printer to work. However, I couldn't get it to pick up the paper. Ordered prints from Costco and rode over there to pick them up after the sermon webcast today. That was a 4.79-mile round-trip. Then I did a short and easy ride of laps. Did only 15.86 miles, and averaged only 13.3 mph. It was windy, and I was not feeling well. Had a fluttery sensation in my chest during part of the ride. Didn't sleep well last night because I was worried about the server issue, and I still haven't recovered from the gluten experiment. Have read that sometimes people get worse for a few days before they get better when first going gluten-free. Also, although some people start feeling better within days after going gluten-free, it can take quite a few months for others. By the way, the celiac disease test came back negative. There weren't antibodies, but even so, it does appear that I am gluten-intolerant. When I did the gluten experiment, the exhaustion got much worse, and I also have had other symptoms pointing toward a gluten issue.

Read 2 Chronicles 1.

2016/05/14 20:35 Saturday

Had a problem while working on a server today. I was using a standard UNIX tool to update the password file, and it apparently messes up the interaction between the password file and a database. Had no way of knowing that. I pray there will be an easy fix and that I won't be in a lot of trouble. I can't handle another disaster in my life.

Read Jude. Will go back to the Old Testament, specifically 2 Chronicles.

2016/05/13 21:05 Friday

Read 3 John.

2016/05/12 20:30 Thursday

Was swamped at work today. We were short-handed.

Read 2 John.

2016/05/11 17:50 Wednesday

Drove the downstairs neighbor to the funeral home today for her to sign the paperwork and pay for the urn. She is still concerned about driving due to being distracted by the circumstances, and is especially concerned about driving when she isn't sure where she is going. Also, I had to lend her money to pay for the urn until she gets the insurance money.

Did 15.88 miles of laps. Averaged only 13.8 mph. Was taking it very easy. Didn't feel up to riding, but wanted to put in at least some time on the bike. Still haven't bounced back from the gluten experiment. It hasn't even been two days, though, which isn't all that long given that I was basically poisoning myself.

Finished 2 Peter and read 1 John. The fact that I cannot trust people well enough to love does not bode well for me.

I do love Hope kitty. Trust isn't an issue; companion animals are easy to love.

2016/05/10 18:30 Tuesday

Drove the downstairs neighbor to the hospital (NNMC) yesterday at 12:15pm. Her sister was in the ICU on a breathing tube. The tube was going to be removed, and it was thought that she would stop breathing very soon after that. It was supposed to have been done at 1:15pm. However, it wasn't done until 3:30pm, and as of 5:15pm, she was still breathing. We left then. It was very scary driving home, as I was way too exhausted to drive safely. I was praying hard that I would make the drive safely and without mishap. Gave heartfelt thanks when we got home. Her sister didn't pass away until this afternoon.

Had the bloodwork done this morning. There is no doubt in my mind that I have celiac disease, based on symptoms I have had since I started the experiment of eating lots of wheat products. Am starting on a gluten-free diet as of now.

Read the first two chapters of 2 Peter.

2016/05/09 18:05 Monday

Took Hope kitty to the vet today for her shots. Poor little kitty is always traumatized by going to the vet.

Didn't ride at all today. Am too tired to explain why right now.

Finished 1 Peter.

2016/05/08 20:10 Sunday

Rode just 15.83 miles of laps. Planned on riding just 15+ miles, as I knew I wasn't up to doing much more than 15. Am getting more and more certain that I have celiac disease.

Read 1 Peter 2.

2016/05/07 20:25 Saturday

The work week is over, thankfully. Am exhausted beyond measure.

Read 1 Peter 1.

2016/05/06 19:45 Friday

Finished James. Am looking forward to reading 1 and 2 Peter. I like Peter's writings.

2016/05/05 21:30 Thursday

Made a quick trip to Costco after work. Was hoping to pick up some more naan bread chips, as they have wheat gluten as well as wheat flour. However, Costco was out of them. Bought wheat thins instead. Want to load up on wheat products before the celiac panel, to make sure that if I do have celiac disease, the antibodies will be present. Will be having the bloodwork done on Tuesday.

Read James 3.

2016/05/04 21:00 Wednesday

Read James 1 and 2. James is one of my favorite, if not the favorite, books of the Bible.

2016/05/03 18:25 Tuesday

It was probably 10:30pm before I fell asleep last night, and then I woke up at about 6:30am and couldn't go back to sleep. Have been utterly exhausted all day. Was too tired to ride safely, or even to do a run. Didn't even feel up to riding the trainer.

Read James 1. There is much food for thought in that chapter. Will read it again tomorrow.

2016/05/02 21:45 Monday

Felt better today, thankfully. Was able to ride. Did 35.93 miles of laps. Averaged only 13.7 mph. Was taking it easy, as I didn't want to push myself given that I wasn't even up to riding yesterday. Also did 12.04 miles of transportation riding. Drove to Costco to have the truck tires rotated, and rode home. Did the laps, and then rode back to Costco to pick up the truck. Also rode to and from the cycling club board meeting. Am bushed now, but then, it is way past my bedtime.

Made an appointment to see the doctor about getting tested for celiac disease, and then while I was riding, someone from the office staff called to say they had put labwork orders in the mail. That is appreciated, especially since the earliest they could get me in for an appointment was June 13th.

Read Hebrews 13. Verses 7 and 17 were especially meaningful to me.

2016/05/01 19:25 Sunday

Wasn't up to riding today. My legs were too unsteady, and I was too tired.

Am thinking it might be a gluten sensitivity issue that is causing my health problems. I eat very little that contains gluten, normally, but I picked up some chips made from naan bread last week at Costco, and took a turn for the worse right after that. Will call tomorrow and schedule a doctor's appointment to see about being tested.

Something the pastor talked about today was the current trend for churches to target groups. I agree that targeting is not good. It would seem that a healthy church family would have all age ranges.

Am at Hebrews 13. Hebrews 12 speaks of God disciplining His people. Maybe my legal troubles were due to being disciplined by God for leaving the church. However, I cannot imagine that God would see fit to discipline someone whose behavior was driven by delusions. On the other hand, I recall the pastor stating in a sermon a while ago that God's ways are not always the softest ways, but they are always the surest ways. In prison, I got the mental health treatment I needed. It shouldn't have come to legal action, though, in my opinion, and the fact that it did has added to my inability to trust people.